Thursday, June 30, 2005

- Brain Word Banned By Government

According to a recent report, a department of the Government of Northern Ireland has banned the use of the word "brainstorm" because it determined that epileptics might be offended. A citizens group, the Plain English Campaign (CPE) complained that the decision had 'reached the point of real ridicule'.

The Campaign for Plain English has been in a ongoing battle with the Coalition for Responsible, Appropriate Pontification (CRAP) over word banning. CRAP said that it also encouraged the Government to ban the terms brain-fart and brain-dump as inappropriate scattalogical references. A CRAP spokesman said they were working to ban the term brain-freeze as offensive to stroke victims and bird-brain as offensive to anyone compared to Senator Byrd. CRAP said they are in discussions with a blogger to change the name of his offensive site Brainster. CRAP is also opposed to the use of the terms brain-dead, no-brainer and brain-teasers as being offensive to those with brain damage.

CRAP spokesman said that they were working to ban an use of the term "Einstein" when it was used to refer to anyone in a derogatory manner. A CRAP spokesman said, "We are keeping a close eye on the use of the term "Schiavo" as in "Frist really schiavoed that video diagnosis". So far, there have been only a few cases reported but we want to ban any offensive term quickly because once it gains acceptance, it spreads like a virus."

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Monday, June 27, 2005

- Chief Churchill Chooses Clink

Embattled professor Ward Churchill, Chief of the Fugawee Indian tribe, announced today that he has selected Connecticut's MacDougall-Walker state prison as the facility where he would most like to serve his prison term. Mr. Churchhill explained that he originally had planned to hide out on an Indian reservation if authorities tried to arrest him. But, since his claims of being "indigenous" have been debunked he is being shunned by all tribes. Mr. Churchill said, "At the moment, I'm about as popular with the tribes as Jack Abramoff."

Although he has not been charged with any crime Mr. Churchill said, "It's only a matter of time before the fascist pigs charges me and falsely convict me like my brother Mumia Abu-Jamal. As I'm sure you are aware, they have been hounding me ever since my "little Eichmanns" essay was published. They continue to hurl outrageous false allegations against me like fraud, financial misconduct and plagarism of both art and literature. At least in if I go to the Connecticut state prison, I will be able to live with my brothers and participate in native ritual customs."

Use BugmeNot for quick access to articles that require registration.

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Sunday, June 26, 2005

- Deep Throat of Downing Street Revealed

In an amateur video that was released onto the Internet today, the Deep Throat of Downing Street was revealed. In response, Deep Throat said, "I have known the Prime Minister intimately for over twenty years." Video is Here. END OF STORY!

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- Arianna Renames Huffington Post

Arianna Huffington, announced today that she is going to re-brand her wonderblog and revert to the use of her maiden name, Arianna Georgiadis-Stassinopoulos.

She said, "First of all dahling, I am not related to George Stephanopoulos. Second, I'm tired of having to explain how I changed from being a conservative Republican to an enlightened intellectual progressive Democrat. That chapter of my life is behind me & I need to move forward. I think changing my name like Puff Doodles the Clown did will re-define me and prove to be a smart move as I prepare to run for the Presidency in 2016 against Arnold.

The Huffington Post hasn't been as successful as we expected, and we believe that by re-branding it the "Stassinopoulos Sophist" we will attract more "Sophisticated" guest bloggers like Jim Lampley and a more enlightened audience from the "international community"."

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- Cheney In Last Throes of Life

When asked about the an exclusive report from Huffington's Post titled "Cheney Checks Into Vail Hospital" which was vetted by Jim Lampley, a spokeman for Vice President Dick Cheney said that, "he is in the last throes of his life."

When asked to verify the report and clarify the VPs medical condition , the spokesman said, "He never checked into a Hospital. There is really nothing to worry about. When we say "last throes" we mean he will probably live from one day to thirty years."

When asked for comment, President Bush said, "When he said that thing the other day, I thought he meant "last throws", like a relief pitcher warming up on the mound. I didn't really understand what Dick meant by that, but I didn't ask him about it because he gets cranky when I ask too many questions." END OF STORY!

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Friday, June 24, 2005

- Is Tom Cruise a Cretin?

I usually ignore celebrities but when they blatantly demonstrate their idiocy I can't help myself. Below are excerpts from a Matt Lauer interview with Tom Cruise today.

MATT LAUER: //aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?

TOM CRUISE: all it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

Minutes later in the same interview....

TOM CRUISE: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways of vitamins and through exercise and various things. I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what-- what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, anti-psychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world. // the thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She-- she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.

Here is a definition of Vitamin: Vitamins are organic chemicals that a given living organism requires in trace quantities for good health, but which the organism cannot synthesize, and therefore must obtain from its diet.

It appears Mr. Cruise believes that taking vitamins may help cure illnesses but, he does not believe there is such a thing as a chemical imbalance in the body. So, if there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance, how can there be any benefit to taking vitamins (i.e. organic chemicals)? Tom, please explain the biochemistry….

Based on what I have seen on the videotape, I diagnose Mr. Cruise with cretinism. As everyone knows, cretinism is a due to iodine deficiency and causes a chemical imbalance which results in goiter, hypothyroidism and mental retardation. People who have this condition are known as cretins or idiots.

But, if Tom Cruise takes vitamins how can he have an iodine deficiency? Of course, everyone knows that iodine is an essential mineral and not a vitamin!

"But there is a genuine sense in which the soul has its chemistry, and 'a deficiency of iodine will turn a clever man into an idiot.' "- Hocking, W. E., Self, Its Body and Freedom, pp. 58, 59."

Personally, I admit to overdosing on Vitamin V occasionally. But, that's a story for another time.

And what is Tom up to this week? Only the HUDNALL knows!

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Thursday, June 23, 2005

- Developers Use Eminent Domain to Acquire White House

President Bush was stunned today when he was told by his Housing and Urban Development Director that he & Laura would have to vacate the White House no later than noon on Monday. The HUD Director said he made his best effort to stop the acquisition of the White House but did not have adequate legal staff to challenge the developer’s avalanche of lawsuits. Eventually, he was forced to give in to the Washington D. C. Council’s decision. He continued, “The White House is considered a private residence since it the President’s primary residence. So, according to the Supreme Court decision, it falls under the same eminent domain rules as all other residential property. I do not think this is what the SCOTUS intended but you know what they say about unintended consequences of government action. We tried to stop them by getting the White House put on the historical site register but somehow the approval got held up in a Senate Committee.”

The President initially became highly agitated because he thought the Vice President had forgotten to tell him that he had been impeached. But, his Chief of Staff, put the news in terms the President understood. Mr. President, “It’s like a bar closing. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here”. The President will operate from Crawford, Texas in the short term until new office space can be found. HUD Director Jackson said, “The President has directed us to look at West Virginia as a new Executive Branch location because he wants to build a baseball field just like the one in the movie Field of Dreams. We think West Virginia is a little remote but the President said, “If we build it, they will come”. It will probably work out just fine because it will substantially decrease our security costs. Also, we can acquire large blocks of cheap land directly adjacent to multi-lane super highways that don't go anywhere and have absolutely no traffic on them. Funny thing about West Virginia, everything seems to be named after Senator Byrd.

A spokesman for Donald Trump said, “The White House property was acquired by China Global Development Corporation (CGDC) in a partnership with Trump Corporation. CGDC provided all the financing. Trump Corporation will provide the architecture and construction oversight for a new ultra-luxury high-rise condominium complex that will include a hotel and casino. The building will fit in with the classic Washington architecture but our tower will be the tallest in the District. It is expected to be built and fully occupied by wealthy lobbyists by the end of 2006 with the casino opening in early 2007. This will be a high profile project and will be managed by the next winner of the Apprentice TV show.” When asked about plans for the White House he said, “We considered preserving the White House but the land is too valuable so we are just going to knock it down and build a parking structure on that space."

When pressed for details on how the acquisition was made one day after the Supreme Court gutted the eminent domain law a Chinese spokesman from CGDC said, “We hired Jack Abramoff to put this deal together over a year ago. He knows everybody in Washington and knows how to grease the skids. Of course, we had a back-up plan in case the D.C. Council didn’t vote our way.” When asked about the back-up plan he said, “Jack worked out a deal with the Fuhgahwee Indian tribe and the Bureau of Indians Affairs to have the land reclassified as an “Indian Reservation”. Once it was reclassified as tribal land, we could build whatever we wanted, based on a 99 year lease Jack negotiated with the tribe.”

Councilman Marion Barry who is well known for his classic quotations said, “This project will generate a lot of new tax revenue for D.C. which means the D.C. Council will be extremely powerful because we will be have a lot more money to spend. This is just the first project that Jack has in the queue. Jack is in a little trouble right now. But, I am sure he will make a come back, just like I did. In this town power is about more than money & I don't know any other lobbyist that has trained Israeli snipers that owe him favors, if you know what I'm saying. Washington will be a much different place when Jack & I get done with it.”

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- Senate Reaches Compromise on Gay Flag Burning Ban Amendment

The Gang of 14 Senators that recently compromised to avoid the showdown on the “nuclear option” announced today that they had saved the country again by reaching a compromise that combines the best of both the gay marriage ban Amendment and the flag burning ban Amendment. They settled on an Amendment to the Constitution that will make it illegal for gay people to burn the flag.

A spokesman for the Gang of 14 said, “We are moving America forward with this compromise and showing the American people we can make progress on a bi-partisan basis. Let me clarify that last remark! I mean “bi-partisan” in the sense of two parties Republican and Democrat, not as in “bisexual partisans”. While I am on this topic I should mention that the Amendment does apply to bi-sexuals since they are gay some of the time. It will also apply to pre-op transsexuals but not post-op transsexuals who may have been homosexual at one time but have transitioned to an alternative gender orientation via surgery.” When the spokesman was questioned as to whether the amendment would apply to transvestites and bestialsexuals he said, “Transvestites will be arrested if they are caught burning the flag while cross-dressed. We tried to get the bestials covered under this Amendment but the shepherd's lobby used their influence to block their inclusion."

Gay activists were upset, saying, “Why don't these HeteroHitlers just leave us alone? There are more gays than Jews in this country, why don’t they ban Jews from burning the flag?" He added, "by the way, we have our own gay flag and they can’t stop us from burning it.”

Although pundits believe that this amendment may not be ratified by enough states to become law they believe it will be an interesting battle. One conservative pundit said, “We knew we didn’t have the votes to get the gay marriage Amendment passed but we did have the votes to stop flag burning if we could get it to the floor for a vote. We were prepared to use the nuclear option to get the Amendment passed but now the Gang of 14 has stepped in and screwed us again! As far as the placating the evangelicals on the gay marriage issue, many states have already changed their laws to ban gay marriage and don’t recognize gay marriages conducted in other states. 17 states have banned it so far and we expect 9 more will in the near future. And now that sodomy is legal, we at least have one new reason to arrest homosexuals so this is a positive for us”.

A democratic pundit said, “We see this compromise as a great victory. We stopped the gay marriage ban Amendment in its tracks. We know it’s what the majority of American’s wanted. We did have to give a little ground on the flag burning issue but it will only apply to about 5% of the population. We know we will take some heat from the gay mafia in the short term but they aren’t going to become Republicans and they aren’t going to move to Canada. Plus, they can’t reproduce so it’s not like we worry about losing control over a rapidly growing constituency like we do with the Hispanics. We will just treat the gays like the blacks and eventually, they will get over it.

An independent pundit said, “As you see again and again, Congress is just a bunch of self aggrandizing clowns. We know that many Americans whether Republican or Democrat have a Libertarian slant. They realize that burning a flag has been allowed in this country for over 200 years. Why do we need to change the rules now? They are sick when they see the crap that bitter old men and irrelevant wanna-be revolutionaries are spewing, but they realize that respecting free speech rights is a necessary evil in a free society. On the gay marriage issue, the vast majority of Americans are willing to allow gays to have civil unions with all the same legal rights that apply to married couples. They just get very tired of having the gay agenda constantly pushed in their face. The natural reaction is the backlash that you see with the 17 state bans on gay marriage. Most people just want the government to leave them alone!”

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- California Joins New York in Fight for Sex Offender Viagra Rights

Spokesman for San Francisco Mayor Gavin Nuisance said that he was pleased that the intense lobbying efforts of the "community" had paid off with the California Assembly adopting a program to provide free Viagra to convicted sex offenders.

Arnold the Governator said, “Viagra is legal and these people have paid their debt to society. There is no reason we shouldn't help them re-integrate into "normal" society. I took steroids when I was bodybuilding to achieve peak performance. Viagra is just another performance enhancing drug and has been important in increasing the productivity of the adult film industry in California.

New York was the first state to adopt a program of free Viagra for sex offenders and has actually had the program in place for over five years. A spokesman for NAMBLA in New York said, “This is a positive development for our cause but this is the just the first of many steps in breaking down the rampant “ageism” in our society. We look forward to the day when all men and boys are free to openly express their sexuality without fear of reprisal from bigots and homophobes.

Progressive supporters said that now that New York and California have implemented this program it is only a matter of time before all the states adopt it. A spokesman said, “We have a grass roots effort to enact this legislation in every state. We thought that we would get the law enacted in New Jersey in 2004 but we suffered a temporary set back when the Governor resigned.”

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Wednesday, June 22, 2005

- The Crying Game

Anonymous sources report that Senators Voinabitch and Turbin received special coaching from Beserkely linguistics professor Jorge Jackoff prior to their recent televised emotional performances on the Senate floor. Jackoff said that adding linguistic techniques to the Democratic arsenal would help counter-act "Luntzspeak" and defeat the right-wing radicals.

Jackoff said, "Over the last few weeks I have coached several prominent politicians on methods for attracting attention and garnering sympathy by precise use of whimpers, moans, choking-up and crying. For example, if you recall Voinabitch's recent performance on the Bolton nomination, I would say it was a little over the top for a Republican. When a Republican cries, he runs the risk of being exposed as a poser since audiences instinctively know that Republicans don't cry. But, I think throwing in the grandchildren reference rescued the performance. You notice that the crying got a totally forgettable speech extensive news coverage. That exposure really helped obstruct that nomination."

When asked about Turbin's recent apology Jackoff said, "I worked with Dick Ed a long time to get that performance just right. We issued a non-apology apology last Friday, so we would have more time to rehearse before issuing a "real" apology. As you can see by watching today's news, Turbin comes across as sincere and contrite. You notice he claims that he is a patriot and that he supports our troops. Even though it's totally disingenuous many people will buy it since he "choked up". A very nice touch I must say. See, this whole Turbin episode has greatly magnified the controversy over Gauntanamo and given the Democrats cover so they can demand another investigation." There are already DoD, FBI and Senate Intelligence committee investigations going on but they are all classified. We want to launch another "public" investigation so we can have more politicians wailing, blubbering and balling about prisoner abuse. Plus, we can leak documents, pictures and videos to keep our base stirred up and create doubt in the minds of the Republicans."

Jackoff explained more about his methodology. "It's actually a two pronged psychological operation that produces a double positive when we test it in focus groups. When Democrats hear someone whining or crying they lose all objectivity and side with whomever they identify as the victim regardless of the facts. They are easily swayed by any display of emotion. At the same time, these behaviors disarm Republicans and results in their failure to respond because deep in their subconscious they have been programmed never to hit a woman or kick a man when he's down. The unwarranted display of emotion elicits gender confusion and uncertainty in the Republicans' minds and freezes them in their tracks. It is a very effective tool for blunting Republican criticism.

Jackoff is also credited with engineering the rampant overuse of meaningless terms like "reaching out" and the massive increase in angry emotional outbursts by dems like Dean and Gore.

Jackoff said, "Luntz is a cunning linguist but some am I. As you can see by our recent performances, with this "Crying Game" we are taking this "War of the Words" to the next level."

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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

- Cubans Break Into Guantanamo Bay

According to sources, recently, an alarming number of Cubans have broken into the base at Guantanamo Bay. A junior military policeman spoke off the record saying, "Now I know what it is like to be on border patrol in Arizona. We just aren’t equipped to deal with all these folks flooding onto our base. This is a real crisis for us. In the past, we had a small patrol on the base perimeter and applied our manpower to providing top notch hotel, food, medical, legal and religious services to the prisoners already in the prison. But, since we now have dozens of people coming in through the fences daily, we have had to re-deploy troops in an effort to “repel BOARDERS”. Ha, Ha, Ha. Get it? But, there is no way we can police every foot of fence-line 7x24x365. So groups of Cubans just cut the fence, run through and start yelling “terrorista surrender”. The problem is that by international law, the base at Gitmo is considered to be US territory and if the Cubans claim they are Al Qaeda enemy combatants then we have to detain them, even if there is no evidence that they are actually enemy combatants. Believe it or not, when we interrogate these guys, they lie to us and tell us they are Al Qaeda.”

Diplomatic efforts to repatriate these Cubans have failed. Castro told the US ambassador, “If these men say they are Al Qaeda, then they must be Al Qaeda. You know that I want to cooperate with Bush’s war on terror and I do not want to be accused of harboring terrorists. We don’t have the proper facilities to interrogate these terrorists so we think it is best that you hold them forever. Or, if you imperialist pigs completely close that base and go home I will be happy to take the Cubans and all the other prisoners off your hands.”

A reporter who spoke with some of the Cuban detainees explained the situation from their perspective. She said, "Most of the people who are trying to break into the base have tried to escape from Cuba multiple times via boat or water-taxi. The success rate is about 10% with a 35% chance of death on each attempt. For every Cuban that makes it to the US there are nine more that drown or are caught and sent back to prison in Cuba. If you get thrown in Fidel’s prison conditions are very harsh. So, you see the risk of crossing the wire into Gitmo is small compared to crossing the ocean. The Cubans know that if they make it onto the base and get detained they will be treated well in the Gitmo prison and that there is a high probability they will eventually be moved to the US. Once in the US, they can make asylum claims and eventually they will end up being released onto the street. In the meantime, they can learn English, eat well and get free medical care. Plus, unlike in Cuban prison they will be allowed access to religious material. They also will get access to a lawyer to help them with their asylum and immigration paperwork. I know most Americans can’t understand why these folks make repeated attempts to escape Cuba when they live in a glorious, utopian, socialist, egalitarian society where everyone is equal and everyone is happy. But, these folks are hard core capitalists. They have sayings like, “live free or die” and “I would rather die on my feet, than live on my knees”. I really can't explain it.”

Most of them will head to California as soon as they are released since that is where they get the most lucrative welfare benefits. One of the detainees said, “Screw Fidel’s rice steamers. For less than one day of work in California I can afford to buy a great rice steamer at Wal-Mart! My plan is to work a job off the books for cash while I continue to draw welfare benefits. I’ll be making a lot more money and living better than I ever did in Cuba. I plan to save for awhile, get my green card and then start a business. Of course, I will move to another state before I start the business, I mean what small business can afford to pay the taxes in California? Plus, I don't want to be forced to hire transexuals and in California, that's the law. It’s a shame these fat, lazy Americans have no idea how good they have it. Is this a great country or what?"

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- DEA Busts CIA Director's Mushroom Growing Operation

The DEA has arrested Mrs. Porter Guss on suspicion of cultivating and distributing magic mushrooms. Mr. Porter Guss, Director of the CIA, is under investigation but has not been arrested.

In an unlikely scenario, DEA agent John Law uncovered the clues that broke the case by reading the interview of Porter Guss in latest Time magazine . Law said he supsected that Guss might be involved with drugs when Guss mentioned he had an "Excellent idea" where Osama Bin Laden was during the interview.

Law said, "To me, this was clearly an example of "Valley Speak" and a reference to Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. If you have ever seen those Bill & Ted movies you know those kids had to be on something. When he started to talk about "organic gardening" that confirmed my suspicions. In our world, "organic gardening" is almost always code for illegal medical marijuana growing operations. The combination of "Valley Talk" along with the "organic gardening" was enough evidence to open the investigation."

Based on this evidence, the DEA used the Patriot Act to get the the Guss's financial and telecommunications records and the Time interview tapes . They also tried to get records from a library near Guss's home but that lead to an embarassing incident where agents were chased out of the library by a librarian wielding a yard-stick. The agents said they retreated when the librarian yelled at them, "This is my yardstick. There are many like it but this one is mine."

Law said, "We got valuable evidence from the tapes & records. For example, at the end of the interview the reporter thanked Mr. Goss for the interview and in response Mr. Goss said, "Party on Dude". That repeated Valley Talk, along with this book purchase and evidence of visits to the Fred Fungus web site led us to believe that we had stumbled onto an operation that was growing both pot & shrooms."

Upon her arrest, Mrs. Guss said, "This is Bogus and most Heinous". She added, "When Porter left Congress he wanted to start a rockn'roll band and I wanted to have an organic garden. But, Porter couldn't play the guitar so when the CIA gig came along he decided to take it. I decided to stay here and take care of the garden while Porter commutes to Washington." Mr. Guss would not comment as to whether her husband was involved in or aware of the mushroom growing operation.

Commenting on the arrest of his wife, Mr. Guss said that he no knowledge of the mushroom growing operations and believes the whole thing was a frame up by disgruntled former CIA employees.

When asked about the Guss situation President Bush said, "Now that I think back on it, I thought it was a little strange that he always ended our intelligence briefings by saying "Party on, Mr. President".

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Monday, June 20, 2005

- Army Reports Flood of Female Enlistees Fill Recruiting Gap

Army sources, (vetted by Jim Lampley) reported that they will meet their recruiting goals for June & for all of 2005 based on the flood of female enlistees that have signed up since a new report on Saddam Hussein was published.

Here is an excerpt from the report of a conversation with one of Saddam's guards:

O'Shea said when he told him he was not married, Saddam "started telling me what to do.""He was like, `you gotta find a good woman. Not too smart, not too dumb. Not too old, not too young. One that can cook and clean.'" Then he smiled, made what O'Shea interpreted as a "spanking" gesture, laughed and went back to washing his clothes in the sink.

One of the new volunteers, who identified herself as a feminist explained why she joined. "As a group, feminists were mostly anti-war before this report, but that wise crack about cooking and cleaning really offended us. Now that we know Saddam and the Baathists are all male chauvinist pigs we are going to go kick some ass, BOOYAH."

An Army spokesman commenting on manpower issues said, "We had been looking at other options like sending US Postal workers to Iraq since they are already highly trained killers and are feared throughout the world. But, we had to scrap that plan cause we might end up with a large scale "Apocalypse Now" situation if they all went postal on us. We are very fortunate that this report on Saddam came out when it did and motivated the feminists to join up, otherwise we were going to have to start a draft."

The spokesman continued, "we have reactivated and promoted General Janice Karpinski to oversee the operation of these new "femi-ranger" batallions. Hey, If you thought she was tough on the prisoners at Abu Gharib just wait until we let her loose in Iraq."

Sources say, the Army is also implementing some all female special ops units which will be known as PMS squads. The spokesman said, "These squads will be burkha wearing guerilla units operating among the enemy. They will gather intelligence and also conduct search and destroy missions once a month when all unit members are especially cranky. Based on my personal experience at home with my wife, if I was a terrorist I would rather surrender than face one of these squads when all the woman are on cycle."

Commenting on the plans, Rummy said, "We believe with the addition of these forces and related transformational tactics we should be able to bring stability to Iraq in short order. But, who the hell knows. I mean there is no way you can know an unknowable, you know what I mean."

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- Iraqi Torture Cell Planted by Karl Rove

Sources (vetted by Jim Lampley) reported today that the Iraqi Torture Cell, recently discovered by Marines in Iraq was actually planted there by Karl Rove as a way to divert attention from Senator Turban's passionate comments about Gauntanamo Bay.

Turban said, "it appears that after my comments on Thursday, Rove transported some of the prisoners who were being tortured at Gitmo to Iraq and staged them in a house so they would be "discovered" by the Marines. This was a very sinister method of distracting the American people from the the real issue of Equal Rights for Terrorists. If I hadn't already told you that it was Rove, you would certainly think I was talking about Hitler. Of course, I support our troops, so it must have been those Haliburton contractors that did this which means Cheney's involved. We need to appoint a special investigator so we can find out where these orders came and we can impeach Bush."

Rep. Jon Conyurs said, "We know Rove stole two elections. We know that he leaked the name of a CIA operative to retaliate against ambassador Joe Wilson. And, we know that he was behind that fake but accurate memo that got Dan Rathernot fired. This latest incident has got his fingerprints all over it. Therefore, I will be convening more fake hearings to generate histeria among my left wing supporters and random conspiracy theorists who are joining our cause. I am the Chairman you know!"

Senator Dodo said he would also demand an investigation on the Iraq torture cell as he wanted to ensure that John Bolton wasn't part of this plot before he agreed to a cloture vote on his nomination.

Senator Clinton was not available for comment as she was busy filing divorce papers.

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- Hillary to Divorce Bill, will marry Newt

Sources (vetted by Jim Lampley) say that Hillary Clinton has finally filed for divorce from President Bill Clinton. Hillary said, "everyone knows our marriage has been a sham for the last 20 years. I have finally made the decision to distance myself from Bill just like Al Gore did. But, in my case, I am expecting the sympathy vote I will get from woman will more than offset any benefit of having Bill whoring around on the campaign trail and humiliating me for the next 3 years."

Commenting on her relationship with Newt Gingrich, Hillary said, "We are very much in love. It all happened very fast (when we were working on the electronic healthcare initiative), just like Tom & Katie."

A senior adviser for Hillary said, " Our polls show that voters are more likely to vote for a married woman than a single woman. And now that Hillary has become religious, we think she needs to be married to appeal to the evangelicals. I don't know if you have heard that Condi is a lesbian, but be assured that Hillary fully supports her right to determine her own lifestyle. We also think we will get some Republican support from southern state voters that think Newt will have a strong influence on Hillary when he becomes the "First Gentlemen". Who knows, we may even let "GingGrinch" (that's one of Hillary's nicknames for him) run healthcare reform."

Lawyers for Bill Clinton said, "The President may get taken to the cleaners in the divorce settlement because there is incontrovertible evidence that he's an insatiable poonhound. But, he has other untapped sources of income that will make up for any short term decline in his lifestyle. He's plans to move to Hollywood (San Fernando Valley actually) and get into the adult entertainment business. In fact , we are currently negotiating a three movie deal where he will star with Mary Cary and other politically oriented actresses. It's a sure winner. I mean who wouldn't pay to see the former President get teabagged while he's tossing Mary's salad?"

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Sunday, June 19, 2005

- Bush calls Clinton "Son" of a Bitch

Recently, on the Late Show, Bill Clinton reported that Barbara Bush had called him "son". As it turns out though, Mrs. Bush actually said Mr. Clinton was a "Son of a Bitch". In response to questions about the incident Mrs. Bush said, "Slick Willy, misrepresented what I said. He knows that I think he's a no good, disassembling, philandering, son of a bitch. That will never change even if he kisses George's ass. Do you want to know what I think of Hillary?" Mrs. Bush also explained that, "disassembling means lying"..... END OF STORY!

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Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Howard Dean to be replaced as head of DNC

According to a leaked memo stolen from the Democratic National Headquarters during a recent break in, there is a conspiracy brewing within the DNC to replace Howard Dean.

Political strategist Mick Dorris was consulted and he determined that if Howard Dean could be replaced with another person named "Dean", the DNC would suffer the smallest decline in fund raising and the least amount of public humiliation. He also observed that it would allow Democratic politicians to spend their time attacking Republicans rather than apologizing and distancing themselves from their own Party Chairman.

John Dean, Richard Dean Anderson, Dean Cain, Dean Witter, Dean Martin, Dean & Deluca, Dean Stockwell, Dean Ornish, Jan & Dean and James Dean were all given serious consideration by the DNC.

In the end, they settled on Jimmy Dean. The memo said, "Jimmy is perfect for this job because he is alive and available. Although Sara Lee dumped him, we believe he still has strong name recognition with our target audience."

The DNC plans to keep Jimmy Dean on an extended tour of the southern states through 2006. The memo said, "We need someone who can appeal to the dishonest, brain-dead, lazy, white, Christians because we need the South to win in 2008".

Sources also said that an alliance of DNC contacts from the music industry are working on some new banjo based "hick-hop" music and plan to pair Cowboy Troy with Jimmy Dean at many black church venues throughout the south in order to garner the black redneck vote.

Meanwhile, Republican operatives are deciding whether to derail the plan as they believe Howard Dean has been extremely beneficial in keeping their base energized. Sources said, "Howard Dean has been a godsend for us. People hate him almost as much as Hillary".

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