Monday, June 20, 2005

- Army Reports Flood of Female Enlistees Fill Recruiting Gap

Army sources, (vetted by Jim Lampley) reported that they will meet their recruiting goals for June & for all of 2005 based on the flood of female enlistees that have signed up since a new report on Saddam Hussein was published.

Here is an excerpt from the report of a conversation with one of Saddam's guards:

O'Shea said when he told him he was not married, Saddam "started telling me what to do.""He was like, `you gotta find a good woman. Not too smart, not too dumb. Not too old, not too young. One that can cook and clean.'" Then he smiled, made what O'Shea interpreted as a "spanking" gesture, laughed and went back to washing his clothes in the sink.

One of the new volunteers, who identified herself as a feminist explained why she joined. "As a group, feminists were mostly anti-war before this report, but that wise crack about cooking and cleaning really offended us. Now that we know Saddam and the Baathists are all male chauvinist pigs we are going to go kick some ass, BOOYAH."

An Army spokesman commenting on manpower issues said, "We had been looking at other options like sending US Postal workers to Iraq since they are already highly trained killers and are feared throughout the world. But, we had to scrap that plan cause we might end up with a large scale "Apocalypse Now" situation if they all went postal on us. We are very fortunate that this report on Saddam came out when it did and motivated the feminists to join up, otherwise we were going to have to start a draft."

The spokesman continued, "we have reactivated and promoted General Janice Karpinski to oversee the operation of these new "femi-ranger" batallions. Hey, If you thought she was tough on the prisoners at Abu Gharib just wait until we let her loose in Iraq."

Sources say, the Army is also implementing some all female special ops units which will be known as PMS squads. The spokesman said, "These squads will be burkha wearing guerilla units operating among the enemy. They will gather intelligence and also conduct search and destroy missions once a month when all unit members are especially cranky. Based on my personal experience at home with my wife, if I was a terrorist I would rather surrender than face one of these squads when all the woman are on cycle."

Commenting on the plans, Rummy said, "We believe with the addition of these forces and related transformational tactics we should be able to bring stability to Iraq in short order. But, who the hell knows. I mean there is no way you can know an unknowable, you know what I mean."
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