Wednesday, June 22, 2005

- The Crying Game

Anonymous sources report that Senators Voinabitch and Turbin received special coaching from Beserkely linguistics professor Jorge Jackoff prior to their recent televised emotional performances on the Senate floor. Jackoff said that adding linguistic techniques to the Democratic arsenal would help counter-act "Luntzspeak" and defeat the right-wing radicals.

Jackoff said, "Over the last few weeks I have coached several prominent politicians on methods for attracting attention and garnering sympathy by precise use of whimpers, moans, choking-up and crying. For example, if you recall Voinabitch's recent performance on the Bolton nomination, I would say it was a little over the top for a Republican. When a Republican cries, he runs the risk of being exposed as a poser since audiences instinctively know that Republicans don't cry. But, I think throwing in the grandchildren reference rescued the performance. You notice that the crying got a totally forgettable speech extensive news coverage. That exposure really helped obstruct that nomination."

When asked about Turbin's recent apology Jackoff said, "I worked with Dick Ed a long time to get that performance just right. We issued a non-apology apology last Friday, so we would have more time to rehearse before issuing a "real" apology. As you can see by watching today's news, Turbin comes across as sincere and contrite. You notice he claims that he is a patriot and that he supports our troops. Even though it's totally disingenuous many people will buy it since he "choked up". A very nice touch I must say. See, this whole Turbin episode has greatly magnified the controversy over Gauntanamo and given the Democrats cover so they can demand another investigation." There are already DoD, FBI and Senate Intelligence committee investigations going on but they are all classified. We want to launch another "public" investigation so we can have more politicians wailing, blubbering and balling about prisoner abuse. Plus, we can leak documents, pictures and videos to keep our base stirred up and create doubt in the minds of the Republicans."

Jackoff explained more about his methodology. "It's actually a two pronged psychological operation that produces a double positive when we test it in focus groups. When Democrats hear someone whining or crying they lose all objectivity and side with whomever they identify as the victim regardless of the facts. They are easily swayed by any display of emotion. At the same time, these behaviors disarm Republicans and results in their failure to respond because deep in their subconscious they have been programmed never to hit a woman or kick a man when he's down. The unwarranted display of emotion elicits gender confusion and uncertainty in the Republicans' minds and freezes them in their tracks. It is a very effective tool for blunting Republican criticism.

Jackoff is also credited with engineering the rampant overuse of meaningless terms like "reaching out" and the massive increase in angry emotional outbursts by dems like Dean and Gore.

Jackoff said, "Luntz is a cunning linguist but some am I. As you can see by our recent performances, with this "Crying Game" we are taking this "War of the Words" to the next level."
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