Tuesday, June 21, 2005

- DEA Busts CIA Director's Mushroom Growing Operation

The DEA has arrested Mrs. Porter Guss on suspicion of cultivating and distributing magic mushrooms. Mr. Porter Guss, Director of the CIA, is under investigation but has not been arrested.

In an unlikely scenario, DEA agent John Law uncovered the clues that broke the case by reading the interview of Porter Guss in latest Time magazine . Law said he supsected that Guss might be involved with drugs when Guss mentioned he had an "Excellent idea" where Osama Bin Laden was during the interview.

Law said, "To me, this was clearly an example of "Valley Speak" and a reference to Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. If you have ever seen those Bill & Ted movies you know those kids had to be on something. When he started to talk about "organic gardening" that confirmed my suspicions. In our world, "organic gardening" is almost always code for illegal medical marijuana growing operations. The combination of "Valley Talk" along with the "organic gardening" was enough evidence to open the investigation."

Based on this evidence, the DEA used the Patriot Act to get the the Guss's financial and telecommunications records and the Time interview tapes . They also tried to get records from a library near Guss's home but that lead to an embarassing incident where agents were chased out of the library by a librarian wielding a yard-stick. The agents said they retreated when the librarian yelled at them, "This is my yardstick. There are many like it but this one is mine."

Law said, "We got valuable evidence from the tapes & records. For example, at the end of the interview the reporter thanked Mr. Goss for the interview and in response Mr. Goss said, "Party on Dude". That repeated Valley Talk, along with this book purchase and evidence of visits to the Fred Fungus web site led us to believe that we had stumbled onto an operation that was growing both pot & shrooms."

Upon her arrest, Mrs. Guss said, "This is Bogus and most Heinous". She added, "When Porter left Congress he wanted to start a rockn'roll band and I wanted to have an organic garden. But, Porter couldn't play the guitar so when the CIA gig came along he decided to take it. I decided to stay here and take care of the garden while Porter commutes to Washington." Mr. Guss would not comment as to whether her husband was involved in or aware of the mushroom growing operation.

Commenting on the arrest of his wife, Mr. Guss said that he no knowledge of the mushroom growing operations and believes the whole thing was a frame up by disgruntled former CIA employees.

When asked about the Guss situation President Bush said, "Now that I think back on it, I thought it was a little strange that he always ended our intelligence briefings by saying "Party on, Mr. President".
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