Monday, June 20, 2005

- Hillary to Divorce Bill, will marry Newt

Sources (vetted by Jim Lampley) say that Hillary Clinton has finally filed for divorce from President Bill Clinton. Hillary said, "everyone knows our marriage has been a sham for the last 20 years. I have finally made the decision to distance myself from Bill just like Al Gore did. But, in my case, I am expecting the sympathy vote I will get from woman will more than offset any benefit of having Bill whoring around on the campaign trail and humiliating me for the next 3 years."

Commenting on her relationship with Newt Gingrich, Hillary said, "We are very much in love. It all happened very fast (when we were working on the electronic healthcare initiative), just like Tom & Katie."

A senior adviser for Hillary said, " Our polls show that voters are more likely to vote for a married woman than a single woman. And now that Hillary has become religious, we think she needs to be married to appeal to the evangelicals. I don't know if you have heard that Condi is a lesbian, but be assured that Hillary fully supports her right to determine her own lifestyle. We also think we will get some Republican support from southern state voters that think Newt will have a strong influence on Hillary when he becomes the "First Gentlemen". Who knows, we may even let "GingGrinch" (that's one of Hillary's nicknames for him) run healthcare reform."

Lawyers for Bill Clinton said, "The President may get taken to the cleaners in the divorce settlement because there is incontrovertible evidence that he's an insatiable poonhound. But, he has other untapped sources of income that will make up for any short term decline in his lifestyle. He's plans to move to Hollywood (San Fernando Valley actually) and get into the adult entertainment business. In fact , we are currently negotiating a three movie deal where he will star with Mary Cary and other politically oriented actresses. It's a sure winner. I mean who wouldn't pay to see the former President get teabagged while he's tossing Mary's salad?"
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