Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Howard Dean to be replaced as head of DNC

According to a leaked memo stolen from the Democratic National Headquarters during a recent break in, there is a conspiracy brewing within the DNC to replace Howard Dean.

Political strategist Mick Dorris was consulted and he determined that if Howard Dean could be replaced with another person named "Dean", the DNC would suffer the smallest decline in fund raising and the least amount of public humiliation. He also observed that it would allow Democratic politicians to spend their time attacking Republicans rather than apologizing and distancing themselves from their own Party Chairman.

John Dean, Richard Dean Anderson, Dean Cain, Dean Witter, Dean Martin, Dean & Deluca, Dean Stockwell, Dean Ornish, Jan & Dean and James Dean were all given serious consideration by the DNC.

In the end, they settled on Jimmy Dean. The memo said, "Jimmy is perfect for this job because he is alive and available. Although Sara Lee dumped him, we believe he still has strong name recognition with our target audience."

The DNC plans to keep Jimmy Dean on an extended tour of the southern states through 2006. The memo said, "We need someone who can appeal to the dishonest, brain-dead, lazy, white, Christians because we need the South to win in 2008".

Sources also said that an alliance of DNC contacts from the music industry are working on some new banjo based "hick-hop" music and plan to pair Cowboy Troy with Jimmy Dean at many black church venues throughout the south in order to garner the black redneck vote.

Meanwhile, Republican operatives are deciding whether to derail the plan as they believe Howard Dean has been extremely beneficial in keeping their base energized. Sources said, "Howard Dean has been a godsend for us. People hate him almost as much as Hillary".
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