Thursday, June 23, 2005

- Senate Reaches Compromise on Gay Flag Burning Ban Amendment

The Gang of 14 Senators that recently compromised to avoid the showdown on the “nuclear option” announced today that they had saved the country again by reaching a compromise that combines the best of both the gay marriage ban Amendment and the flag burning ban Amendment. They settled on an Amendment to the Constitution that will make it illegal for gay people to burn the flag.

A spokesman for the Gang of 14 said, “We are moving America forward with this compromise and showing the American people we can make progress on a bi-partisan basis. Let me clarify that last remark! I mean “bi-partisan” in the sense of two parties Republican and Democrat, not as in “bisexual partisans”. While I am on this topic I should mention that the Amendment does apply to bi-sexuals since they are gay some of the time. It will also apply to pre-op transsexuals but not post-op transsexuals who may have been homosexual at one time but have transitioned to an alternative gender orientation via surgery.” When the spokesman was questioned as to whether the amendment would apply to transvestites and bestialsexuals he said, “Transvestites will be arrested if they are caught burning the flag while cross-dressed. We tried to get the bestials covered under this Amendment but the shepherd's lobby used their influence to block their inclusion."

Gay activists were upset, saying, “Why don't these HeteroHitlers just leave us alone? There are more gays than Jews in this country, why don’t they ban Jews from burning the flag?" He added, "by the way, we have our own gay flag and they can’t stop us from burning it.”

Although pundits believe that this amendment may not be ratified by enough states to become law they believe it will be an interesting battle. One conservative pundit said, “We knew we didn’t have the votes to get the gay marriage Amendment passed but we did have the votes to stop flag burning if we could get it to the floor for a vote. We were prepared to use the nuclear option to get the Amendment passed but now the Gang of 14 has stepped in and screwed us again! As far as the placating the evangelicals on the gay marriage issue, many states have already changed their laws to ban gay marriage and don’t recognize gay marriages conducted in other states. 17 states have banned it so far and we expect 9 more will in the near future. And now that sodomy is legal, we at least have one new reason to arrest homosexuals so this is a positive for us”.

A democratic pundit said, “We see this compromise as a great victory. We stopped the gay marriage ban Amendment in its tracks. We know it’s what the majority of American’s wanted. We did have to give a little ground on the flag burning issue but it will only apply to about 5% of the population. We know we will take some heat from the gay mafia in the short term but they aren’t going to become Republicans and they aren’t going to move to Canada. Plus, they can’t reproduce so it’s not like we worry about losing control over a rapidly growing constituency like we do with the Hispanics. We will just treat the gays like the blacks and eventually, they will get over it.

An independent pundit said, “As you see again and again, Congress is just a bunch of self aggrandizing clowns. We know that many Americans whether Republican or Democrat have a Libertarian slant. They realize that burning a flag has been allowed in this country for over 200 years. Why do we need to change the rules now? They are sick when they see the crap that bitter old men and irrelevant wanna-be revolutionaries are spewing, but they realize that respecting free speech rights is a necessary evil in a free society. On the gay marriage issue, the vast majority of Americans are willing to allow gays to have civil unions with all the same legal rights that apply to married couples. They just get very tired of having the gay agenda constantly pushed in their face. The natural reaction is the backlash that you see with the 17 state bans on gay marriage. Most people just want the government to leave them alone!”
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