Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Madonna Introduces Cockfighting to UK

In a surprise move, Madonna has introduced cockfighting to her community in England. Madonna believed introducing the new "sport" would expand the communty's cultural horizon and increase her standing with the aristocracy.

A spokesman for Madonna said, "London is buzzing and it has become all the rage for the "in" crowd. Since they outlawed foxhunting the landed gentry have been depressed since they had no stimulating community activity that involved killing animals. They can participate in this sport by not only breeding their own cocks but also betting on the fights. Madonna definetly runs the show. She makes Guy gather the eggs and clean up the chicken shit while she runs the breeding and gambling operations. There is no one in England that knows more about cocks than Madge."

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Sunday, July 17, 2005

- Valerie Plame Responsible for Bad Iraqi WMD Intel

L - Wilson & Plame at recent Demo fundraiser
R - Wilson with Plame (under cover)

An unnamed source disclosed today that Valerie Plame was solely responsible for the bad intelligence that lead George Tenet to tell George Bush that Iraqi WMD intelligence was a "slam dunk". The source, who leaked on triple super-duper secret background said, "It seems that this was a scheme by the Wilson's to embarass the Bush administration by fooling them into going to war in Iraq. They figured the Democrats would easily win the 2004 Presidential election if it was determined that there were no WMDs in Iraq. That way, Mr. Wilson would be able to get a job in the new administration and wouldn't have to depend on his wife to find him work. Unfortunately, Evil Karl Rove altered the voting machines in Ohio remotely via the Internet just prior to poles closing and poor John Kerry was robbed of the victory that was cleary his as of 6 PM on election day."

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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

- BBC Changes Name to BC

The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) has changed its name to the "Broadcasting Corporation" (BC) because it does not want to mislead anyone who might believe it represents British interests.
A BC spokesman said "Calling this Government funded agency "British" is an impediment to understanding various ethnic citizens that want to destroy the nation. Being associated with anything British is very offensive to employees of BC since we consider Britain to be responsible for all attacks by "the misunderstood" against innocent civilians within the nation's borders. This is just one of many steps will be taking to reach out to the disenfranchised immigrant community that has been victimized by the freedom of speech and religion they have been forced to endure for too long."

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Secretary of States Cuts Hawaii Loose, Installs Israel

In response to China's recent purchase of Taiwan and Cuba, States Department spokesman Richard Bowcher announced today that Secretary of States Condi Rice had revoked Hawaii's statehood and imposed statehood upon Israel.

Asked about the change in title from Secretary of State to Secretary of "States" Mr. Bowcher said, "That's off topic but I'll provide a short explanation. With passage of the 17th Amendment, the US Senate began being elected by popular vote rather than being elected by vote of State legislatures. This caused State Governments to lose much of their control over the Federal Government. By expanding the charter of the "States" Department to include assisting in US State matters we feel we are restoring some of that control. We don't think the Senators will mind because historically, they have ceded their authority to the Executive Branch whenever tough decisions had to be made."

Bowcher continued, "We had in-depth discussions about the Hawaiian Government Reorganization Bill (also known as the Akaka bill) and we decided if the Hawaii state government favors an independent ethnic based government and is taking a step toward secession, it is in our best interest to make a clean break now. We did everything we could think of to keep them on the reservation, so to speak. Hawaii will remain as a US territory for now, like American Samoa and Guam, but this sets them up to be an independent nation or maybe join Japan or China in the future."

A unnamed source said that ACLU representatives had met with the Hawaii's Senators and Governor and described the meeting. "They explained to the Hawaiians that it was a proven fact that "diversity makes us stronger" and "multiculturism is necessary for our success". The Governer said they would prefer to establish a successful heterogeneous culture like Japan that keeps the "crazy gaijin" out. The ACLU representatives told them if they didn't drop the Akaka bill they would be perceived as racists, just like Vincente Fox. Senator Akaka got upset, called them "dumb haoles" and ended the meeting."

When asked why Israel was added as a state Bowcher said only, "We didn't want to go through the expense of changing the number of stars on the flag so we thought it best to add a new state if we dropped one."

A unnamed source said there were other motives and explained, "Remember last week after the bombings when people were saying "We are all Londoners now"? Well, now that we know the London terrorist attacks were the work of suicide/homicide bombers we can say "We are all Israelis now". I think we have to recognize that the enemy sees no distinction between the UK, US and Israel so we might as well admit that fact and act accordingly.

"Also, the US sends about $3 billion a year in aid to Israel plus another $2 billion in aid to Egypt every year. If we make Israel a state, we immediately save $5 billion a year in aid and we also get to collect income tax from our new citizens. Jews are only about 2% of the US population and there are more Jews in the US than in Israel. So, with Israel as a US state, the Jewish population will still be less than 4% of total US population and there will be no noticeable change in the current ethnic/religious balance."

"Also, there is the political angle. Hawaii is a blue state with about 1.3 million people and 4 electoral votes. Israel would add about 6.2 million in population and have 11 electoral votes. It would rank number 12 or 13 in state population right ahead of Massachusetts and right behind Virginia. The US Jewish population voted 76% for Kerry in 2004 but we believe the people of Israel would vote Republican for national defense reasons. That means Israel would be a red state and if you look at the differential between gaining Israel and not losing Hawaii that's a swing of 15 electoral votes. I have no idea who will be the Republican Presidential candidate in 2008, but they will definetly benefit from this change."
Other thoughts from:
BlameBush! - Exploding Bus Kills Muslim Male
Brainster's Blog - Story of a Hero Doctor
Conservative Thinking for When the West Handles Terror Like Israel
Mark in Mexico - Update on London Bombings
Thanks to Outside the Beltway for Beltway Traffic Jam
Thanks to The Jawa Report for Festival of the Feisty Fatwas
Thanks to Mudville Gazzette for Open Post

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Monday, July 11, 2005

- Democratic Operatives Say Rove Leaked Withdrawal Memo

Unnamed Democratic operatives said today that they believe Karl Rove was behind the secret British memo that says the US and Britain will withdraw the majority of their troops from Iraq in 2006.
"We think this is simply a tactic by Evil Karl to divert attention from the CIA agent disclosure case. But, if the memo is authentic that presents a huge problem for us in the 2006 Congressional elections. See, the only thing we have to run on in 2006 is being against Bush, since we haven't done anything but obstruct and vilify the Republicans for the last six years. If the Iraqi government and Iraqi military are stable enough to operate independently, and our troops levels are drawn down significantly by November 2006, that could be construed as success in Iraq. That perception would be a disaster for us in both House and Senate races. And, if we lose those races, we probably won't win the White House in 2008. While we have been demanding an exit strategy and withdrawal from Iraq, I'm afraid this might really bite us in the ass."
For the real story go to:

Wizbang - Rove Already Convicted In The Press
Mark in Mexico - Karl Rove and Patrick Fitzgerald, "The Jokes on You."
The Jawa Report - Mr. Bush, Fire Karl Rove

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- Martha Stewart Speaks Out on Behalf of Lil' Kim and Judith Miller

<<-- picture of Lil' Kim in her prison cell

Today, during an episode of her latest cooking show, "Calaboose Cuisine", Martha Stewart went off scipt and launched into an emotional tirade in support of her convict friends, Lil' Kim and Judith Miller.
Stewart said, "All three of us have been victims of lying men and we were all incarcerated due to a miscarriage of justice. For example, I lied for Sam Wacksal but he was stupid and greedy and got convicted anyway. I should have been let off like Richard Scrushy since it was all Sam's fault. Lil' Kim was convicted of lying for a man while Puff Doodles was acquitted on similar charges. Judith lied for Karl Rove and was sent to jail unlike Matthew Cooper who was let go with no charges."

She continued, "I think the blatant sexism perpetrated against Kim, Judith and I is obvious. I call on all women to protest this treatment by boycotting all household choirs and withholding sex until things change. Let face it, the men can go without sex, but there is no way they will be able to survive if they have to cook, clean and do laundry."

Asked for comment Lil' Kim said, "It is unfortunate that I find myself in this position but I will stick to my principles."

Judith Miller said, "I'm goin' on a hunger strike. These punk ass bitches can't make me eat nuthin'. I got my wall street cred to uphold. Noam sayin?"
Hat Tip to Six Meat Buffet for We Are All Lil’ Kim!
Thanks to Outside the Beltway for Beltway Traffic Jam

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- Hurricane Critics Say Dennis was Over-hyped

Several Hurricane critics gave Hurricane Dennis a thumbs down today as it left the theater. One critic said, "Dennis was supposed to be the first blockbuster hurricane of the summer but it didn't fulfill expectations."

Another critic said, "It was doomed from the start. I think audiences are weary from all the hurricanes last year. "Ivan the Terrible" was awesome, but there wasn't much excitement for a sequel called "Dennis the Menace". It used exactly the same plot line as the original, destroying Floribama again. I think if Dennis would have hit Miami directly that would have drawn a bigger audience. It would have had broader ethnic appeal and they could have had a bunch of super-models in bikinis getting washed down the streets of South Beach. Now that would have been exciting."

Another critic lamented, "The acting in Dennis was totally forgettable. We had a predictable performance from Jeb Bush as the concerned Governor, but no one can even remember who played the head of FEMA and that was supposed to be one of the key roles.”

An industry insider said Ivan cost over $7 billion, but they only expected the sequel "Dennis" to cost about $3 billion, less than half of the original. “We hope things improve or the whole hurricane season could be a bust. Even if we have a few big hits this fall I don't think we will be able to equal the cost of last years holiday blockbuster, "Tsunami"," said the insider.
Thanks to bamapachyderm for open hurricane trackback party
and IMAO for Storm Reporters

and E-claire E-Biscuit for How Comes this is *not* on the news?
and Florida-Cracker for Dennis is no Ivan

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Saturday, July 09, 2005

- Emminent Domain Name Ruling Goes for Google

Attorneys for Google announced today that they had won a suit against an individual who they charged with "typosquatting" on their domain. Google was awarded ownership of several of the individual's virtual properties.

A Google spokesman and said they would develop these properties and expand their use for the "good of the public". A County Supervisor noted that these properties would generate additional tax revenue for the Board of Supervisors to spend on unneccessary projects.

The losers attorney said, "We never really had a chance. Those billionaires had an army of lawyers and the politicians in their pocket. The case was just a formality. The decision had already been made. This is a sad day in cyber history. Property rights were a founding principal of the Internet. Without property rights any person's cyber property can be taken away arbitrarily at any time."

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- Citizens of Kentucky's 37th Senate Distict Auction Vacant Seat on Ebay

A spokesman for the citizens of Kentucky's 37th Senate District said that they had reached agreement with the State Senate and Franklin County judge and planned to auction a vacant Senate seat on Ebay to raise revenue for their District.

The spokesman said, "The Franklin County Judge overuled the State Senate after they decided to seat the winner of the election who was determined to be unqualifed to run by the County judge after the election. So, we are in limbo with no representation since the State Senate appealed the case to the State Supreme Court when they lost the case in the County Court. Did you get that?"

"In the meantime, we have taxation without representation so it is only fair that we be allowed to raise some money to off-set our taxes. So, we decided to auction off the seat on Ebay and to split the proceeds with the State Senate and County Court. We expect many lawyers and lobbyists who already have connections in Frankfort will come forward to bid for the seat. Whoever wins it will be able to cut deals and add some amendments to legislation so they can legally line their own pockets when they are removed from the office by the State Supreme Court decision. That's just the way modern politics works and we have to adapt."

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- Government of Sri Lanka Destroys Guns to Create Peaceful Atmosphere

Today, on International Day Against Illegal Firearms Day, the Government of Sri Lanka steamrolled over 30,000 small arms that had been recovered by the police over the last 14 years. Regarding the action, one newspaper reported this quote from a government official.

Minister Wickramanayake said, `We need a country sans the gun culture and we need the cooperation of the public as we have to confiscate all unlicensed firearms to make this country safe for everyone. We have to build a society that eschews violence so that our children could grow up in a peaceful atmosphere.'”

Another newspaper reported comments from another Ministry Secretary:

“Mr. Ranaviraja further said that the government is taking this opportunity to address the need to tackle the proliferation of illegal small arms, which are the cause of various types of crime.”

The newspaper article continued:

“Police had launched special operations at several intervals to recover illegal firearms. They also offered special amnesties but these have not yielded the desired results. The Ministry invited the public to cooperate by providing information on illegal arms which greatly contribute to the spread of crime. A reward scheme is in place for those who supply information leading to the recovery of such firearms.”

Other activities on International Day Against Illegal Firearms Day included those sponsored by the South Asia Small Arms Network (SASA Net). They were described as:

“organised media activities, poster and photo exhibitions, awareness programs and collaborated events with Samasevaya to encourage children to burn toy guns. SASA Net members were interviewed by Swadeshiya Sewaya, a Sinhala language programme of the national radio station, the Sri Lanka Broadcasting Cooperation.”

A recent report by the “National Commission Against Proliferation of Illicit Small Arms and Light Weapons in All Its Aspects (NCAPISA)” cited the following issues as causes of increasing gun violence:

"Increase in violent nature of conflicts
• Violence within different social and ethnic groups in the country has increased
• Rapid increase in armed clashes between rival political groups during pre and post-election time
Firearms are issued to politicians when they are elected but they are not monitored regularly and not returned at the end of their term in office

Increase in violent crime
• Increased number of army deserters and their involvement in organized crime
• Escalation in contract killings, rape, robberies, grievous harm and assault
• Proliferation of small arms is closely linked to drug trafficking and illicit liquor brewing

When asked about the twenty year insurgency of the Tamil Tigers against the government an unnamed spokesman said, “The Tamils used to be peace loving citizens that supported the government. It was only after they got those guns that they became criminals and started making guerilla attacks against the government and civilians.”

The official changed the subject and explained, “After the tsunami, we are trying to revive the tourist industry. It collapsed in 1983 when the insurgency began. Sri Lanka used to be known as Ceylon but before that it was called “Serendip”, which is where the word serendipity came from. We have not been able to stop the insurgency but we believe with the right marketing campaign we can revive tourism. We even have a new marketing slogan “Put the Serendipity back in your life, come see Sri Lanka”.

When asked about other issues facing the country the spokesman said, “While it is true that we have the highest suicide rate per capita and the highest death rates per capita due to snake bites and pesticide poisoning, there is nothing we can do about it. What do want us to do, kill the snakes and confiscate the pesticides. That won’t work.”

A spokesman for the Tamil Tigers said, “We are trading drugs and laundering money so that we can buy better weapons to defeat them. The only guns the government destroyed today were obsolete and rusty. It was just a public relations gimmick dreamed up by some do-gooder at the U.N. It’s like sticking your finger in a dike when a tsunami is coming.

It appears the Brainster did not realize that the appropriate blog for this type of post is/ was Armed Victim. Even sadder is how Armed Victim's world was crushed when he found the "Civilan Gun Self-Defense Blog" only two weeks after starting his blog and posting several gun self defense stories. At that point, he cursed the blog world and deleted all gun self defense stories from his blog vowing never again to dillude himself into thinking that he had an original idea without first searching the blogosphere.

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- Historian Zen Proves Churchill's Indian Ancestry

Based on a recently discovered archive of Native American history, historian Howard Zen has conclusively established that Ward Churchill is "Indigenous".

Commenting on his research Zen said, "Objectivity is impossible but I have proof that on his father's side of the family Mr. Churchill is directly descended from an American Indian that participated in the Boston Tea Party. In addition, I established ancestral links on his mother’s side of the family to Grey Owl, an important environmental activist that lived in what is now known as Canada. Grey Owl is a descendant of Wacousta. Wacousta was a close ally of Chief Pontiac and his life provided the inspiration for the famous Canadian biography by historian John Richardson.”

Zen continued, “I think it is easy to see that Mr. Churchill inherited many of his ancestor’s characteristics. For example, the Indians that participated in the Boston Tea Party were resisting a tyrannical government and Ward's forefathers were right there. Grey Owl dedicated himself to stopping the Canadian government from destroying Native lands making him an innovator in environmental protection. Wacousta spoke truth to power and waged armed struggle against many governments to remain free. I think the following short description of the book “Wacousta” goes a long way in explaining Ward's inherited behavior.

"Set on the northwest frontier during the Pontiac conspiracy of the 1760s, this story of false identity, wasted love, diabolic vengeance and unquenchable hatred articulates themes and mythologies relevant to French, British, Canadian and American history."

Thanks to Wizbang for Carnival of the Trackbacks IXX

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Friday, July 08, 2005

- Send an E-mail to Tony Blair

The Link and a suggestion for your correspondence:

Dear Mr. Prime Minister, (your own words of support and encouragement here).

Bloody Brilliant Idea from ThirdWaveDave!

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Thursday, July 07, 2005

- Democrats Upstage Republicans on Supreme Court Nominee Hearing Advisors

A spokesman for Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee announced today that in response to Republicans appointment of Fred Thompson as an "advisor" to the President's Supreme Court nominee, they would appoint their own team to "advise" them during the upcoming hearings.

The spokesman made the following statements, "Everybody realizes that actors are enlightened people that provide our society with wise council. Adding an actor to their team was definetly a Roveian scheme. But, Evil Karl can't beat us when it comes to acting and we are adding two actors to our team.

Everyone knows that Fred Thompson plays District Attorney (DA) Arthur Branch on the TV show "Law & Order" (aka L&O). But, no one knows that he is a real lawyer and was a real US Senator because those details aren't important. It's the publics perception that counts.

We are appointing Steven Hill and Carey Lowell as our advisors. Steven played the role of DA Adam Schiff on L&O for 9 years and most people think he was better than Diane Weist or Fred Thompson. Also, he appeared in the movies, "Legal Eagles", "The Firm" and "The Trial of Sacco & Vanzetti". We think his legal credentials speak for themselves.

Originally we wanted Angie Harmon as the second chair, but we found out she is a Republican from Texas. What a huge disappointment! Next we pursued Stephanie March who played Assistant DA Alexandra Cabot on L&O SVU. But, we couldn't get her because Bobby Flay has her waiting tables at one of his restaurants. So, we settled on Carey Lowell who originally played the same role as Angie Harmon before. Carey is a former bond girl and married to Richard Gere. The celebrity couple will give us additional publicity when Richard accompanies Carey to Capitol Hill and lectures Congress on Buddhist philosophy as he did with the FDNY after 911."

Thanks to Outside the Beltway for Beltway Traffic Jam

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- Armed Victim Plagiarized by NY Times

Armed Victim announced today that his blog had been plagiarized in an incident similar to that of the theft of material from Pirate Ballerina by WorldNetDaily News.

I broke the story, "Senate Decides to Clone Justice O'Connor", on July 3rd and on July 7th, the NY Times ran the story "Democrats Adopt O'Connor as Model for Bush Court Pick". I think anyone who looks at the two stories can see they are nearly identical. It is very offensive for these traditional media types to be stealing content from serious journalists like myself, Stephen Hawking and Frank J", said the Armed Victim.

Asked for further comment the Armed Victim said, "It's clear that those neo-imperialist, evil corporate conglomeratis are anti-blogmetic. They have been spewing their hate-filled message via their shills like Alex Beam and Gary Trudeau. A revolution is underway and we are dismantling their main-stream-media world piece by piece. We will not rest until we put them all out of business! Also, my lawyer will be contacting them to get proper attribution and an apology published on the front page of the Sunday Times as well as as a suitable monetary settlement for the pain and suffering this has caused me and my family."

Thanks to Outside the Beltway for Beltway Traffic Jam

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- God Save the Queen

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- Bush to Get Tricycle

Anonymous White House sources said today that Vice President Cheney had revoked the President's bicycle privileges effectively immediately, but would allow him to ride a tricycle instead. An amateur British photographer caught this video of the President on a test ride of a tricycle. The source said, "This is the third time he's cracked up. We are concerned about his safety and a tricycle is more stable and has better breaking capability. With luck, we should be able to avoid future accidents". End of Story!

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- Jacque Chirac Eats Humble Pie

A spokesman for the British 2012 Olympic committee said, "The British are well known for our dry sense of humor. We find it especially ironic that Mr. Chirac is forced to eat a rather large helping of English humble pie only days after criticizing our cuisine. Delicious indeed! End of Story!

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- Melee Breaks Out At Wind Farm Protest

A riot broke out today outside the Alameda County Courthouse when activists from the Center for Biodiversity and PETA clashed with activists from the Sierra Club. The former group is suing the wind farm operators to shut down all wind farms because bald eagles are being killed when the birds collide with the spinning wind turbine blades. The Sierra Club insists that the wind turbines stay in operation to "increase the use of alternative energy sources" even if a few birds have to die as a result.

An observer said the trouble started when some harmless granola throwing escalated into a heated exchange of insults. The observer said, "Someone from the Sierra Club called a guy from PETA a "cat killer" and asked how he liked the new website "PETA Kills Animals". The PETA protester replied, "It's all lies you anti-immigration racist"." "After that all hell broke loose as the two groups attacked each other", said the observer.

A spokesman for the Alameda County Sheriff reported that there were over one-hundred people involved in the fighting and five arrests were made on various charges. The officer said, "There were several minor injuries and one serious injury. One victim sustained massive head injuries when he was repeatedly beaten about the head with multiple Birkenstocks. We could have stopped it sooner than we did, but many of these folks are the same ones we arrest for throwing rocks and damaging property every time there is a WTO meeting or some other demonstration in San Francisco or Berkeley. Since they were outside the courthouse, we decided to just let them slug it out for awhile before we tear gassed them."

H/T to Wizbang for What's a Good Environut To Do?


SixMeatBuffet for More Enemies Within Attempt to Kill San Francisco Police Officer

and Ace of Spades for The Leftist Exemption -- "Civil Disobedience" Includes Vicious Assaults On Police

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Tuesday, July 05, 2005

- Saddam Scores Big With Media Deal

Michael Obitz, Saddam Hussein’s new agent, announced today that Saddam had agreed to participate in a movie, a TV show and several product merchandising deals to cash-in on his celebrity. Obitz said, “Saddam is world famous and everyone's buzzing about torture. We think this combination is a winner! We believe Saddam's media blitz will improve his public image before his trial. When millions of viewers see that he is just a normal guy they will forgive him for any mistakes he might have made in the past. We expect his fans will travel to Baghdad and influence the Iraqi jurors to dismiss all charges or give him a sentence roughly equivalent to Martha Stewart’s.”

A spokesman for the movie producer said, “The working title for the comedy is “Meet the Benevolent Dictator” and it will cover the period leading up to the US invasion of Iraq in March, 2003. Tony Shaloub will play the lead role as Saddam Hussein. We know from recent reports that Saddam is a bit of a clean freak and has obsessive-compulsive tendencies. We think the character that Tony plays in the TV series Monk will be easy to adapt for the movie. Will Ferrel and Kris Katan will play Saddam’s wacky but lovable son’s Uday & Qusay with antics similar to those performed in “Night at the Roxy”. Ben Stiller will have the role of the information minister, Baghdad Bob, contributing witty dialogue and slap-stick stunts. Saddam will have a small non-speaking role as one of his own look-alikes. We can’t say much more without giving away the plot so let’s just say the ending has a French twist.”

A spokesman for the television producer said, “The working title for the TV show is “Celebrity Torture”. It’s a reality show where we will torture real celebrities and well-known politicians. It will be a combination of Punk’d and Fear Factor but we will be taking it to the next level like Abu Gharib or Gitmo. In a typical episode, we will snatch a celebrity off the street and bring them to our dungeon. Saddam will play the dungeon master and he will provide instruction and encouragement to “friends” of the celebrity that will administer the interrogations and torture. We will keep torturing the subject until we get enough quality footage to fill a half-hour show or, they die. We know we won't have any problem getting celebrities and politicians to set-up their so-called “friends” for rendition. We found out through focus groups that the vast majority of people would tune in to see Tom Cruise tortured. We will also have guest dungeon masters like John McCain and special guest torturees like Jane Fonda and Dick Durbin to keep the show real.”

A spokesman for product merchandising said, “We are pursuing several ideas. We thought Doritos would seize the opportunity to sign Saddam for an endorsement deal but when they didn’t we invented “Saddam crackers”. They will be somewhat like Animal Crackers but in the shapes of men, women and children. They will be shredded and fried and you will be able to break them apart and eat them piece by piece just like Saddam would. Also, we are looking at a home/game edition of “Celebrity Torture” as well as Saddam action figures for the kids. What kid wouldn’t love an “evil dictator doll” to use in fights with GI Joe? Saddam will also be writing another book. This one will be the typical woe is me; I’m a victim; I had a bad childhood; memoir designed to generate sympathy. We think it has the potential to be number one on the NY Times best seller list.”

Thanks to Outside the Beltway - Traffic Jam
and Mudville Gazette for Open Post.

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- China buys Taiwan and Cuba

The Peoples Republic of China, Inc. announced today that it will purchase Taiwan and Cuba. Wang Xudong, Minister of Information said, "Investment bankers from Goldman Sachs brought us the deal. They determined that an all cash acquisition made more sense than a hostile takeover. Every politician has their price and we simply bought off the President of Taiwan and the whole Taiwanese legislature. Castro was a bit of a pain but we made him and his brother an offer they couldn't refuse."

Asked about the rationale for the deal an unnamed spokesman said, "If we would have attacked Taiwan there would have been military action and the Americans might have reneged on the payment of their treasury bonds. We have trillions of dollars worth of those bonds and we needed to diversify our portfolio by acquiring more real assets. Plus, our supplier relationship with Wal-mart would have been disrupted causing everyone to lose money. We didn't want the negative publicity with the American consumer because they are our number one customer! Owning Taiwan gives us control of the South China Sea and allows us close off oil flow to Japan if necessary. Plus, we got some used F-16s, Aegis class destroyers and some new Patriot missile systems as part of the deal. We can extract technology from those systems and that means we won't have to buy as many systems from Israel."

Sources say that China's acquisition of Taiwan will increase GDP on an accretive basis after only two quarters because it will allow a substantial increase in industrial espionage and theft of high-tech intellectual property from the US. An unnamed spokesman said, "We have had a growing presence in the US for twenty years but since Taiwanese companies already control a large part of the computer chipset and DRAM markets this will greatly accelerate our access to all kinds of sensitive technology. We got some great satellite guidance technology from Loral and Hughes during the 90's that jump-started our long-range missile programs but military technology has been tougher to get lately."

When asked about Cuba an unnamed source said, "China has encouraged Castro to adopt capitalism but he is an idiot. Everyone knows socialism doesn't work. Even Kim Jung Il is adopting capitalism! China has got some new trade agreements with Brazil but we need a physical location in Central America since CAFTA passed over our objections. Cuba will be a source of cheap labor and will allow China to meet product requirements for US content and enter the market for large durable goods where previously we were not competitive in that product category due to transportation costs. In addition, acquiring Cuba is a pay-back for Taiwan. Taiwan is about the same distance from China as Cuba is from Florida. Cuba has never presented a threat to the US except for two weeks in 1962 during the so-called "missile crisis". The US has continued to sell modern weapons to Taiwan just to aggravate us. And you wonder why you get no assistance on North Korea? China is going to take the Patriot missile systems from Taiwan, move them to Cuba and point them at Miami. Then we'll see how you feel about giving nukes to Japan."

When asked about other potential acquisitions the insider said, "China recently considered buying GM to get into the automobile business but we found out that none of the US manufacturers actually make money on automobiles anymore. They only make money on the financing. Now that the major auto manufactures are entering a global price war, China will wait. We will buy these assets for pennies on the remimbi as global overcapacity gets reduced through consolidation. As far as the CNOOC/Chevron deal, that is a defensive move to lock up some oil and gas fields in Southeast Asia in case middle-east oil is unavailable. China realizes that the US will have a permanent presence in Afghanistan and Iraq. That means they will have control of middle-east oil and the Caspian Sea region oil fields that are coming on line. That means China could be cut off at any time."

When asked for his reaction a retired British diplomat and long-time resident of Hong Kong said, "I realize that some in the west are surprised by this move, but the Chinese have always been excellent businessmen. Everyone in Southeast Asia knows that the Chinese hold most of the wealth and own most of the major business interests in Malaysia, Philippines, Indonesia, Singapore and Thailand. Why do you think they call them the "Jews of the east"?"

Democrats immediately blamed Republicans for the development citing Richard Nixon as architect of an open-door China policy. "The US should still be pursuing the containment policy that was put in place during the Kennedy Administration", Senator Biden said. "We didn't have any problems with the Chinese until those crazy Republicans decided to convert them to capitalism and democracy. Now look at this mess. What we need to do is force them to re-value their currency and also hit them with a 25% tariff on all imports. We think this will return a lot of manufacturing job to the US and help Wal-mart raise its prices and wages. That will be good for everybody, don't you agree?"
Another take from Point Five

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Monday, July 04, 2005

- Comet on Collision Course with Earth

NASA announced today that there were unintended consequences to their latest mission that smashed a space probe into a comet. Only hours after the scientists at mission control celebrated their success, the mission's project manager, Rick Grammar, made a startling announcement; "Unfortunately it appears that the collision has altered the trajectory of the comet and it is now on a collision course with the earth. We knew this was a possibility but the probability was less than 1% so we decided it was worth the risk. We expect the impact will decimate at least 50% of the earth’s surface and lead to a large-scale nuclear winter. The end result will be a lot like the movie Deep Impact. We expect the collision to happen on September 8, 2005."

A spokesman for the President said, "The President recently watched the movie "Team American World Cops" and he knows that only actors and musicians can save the world. This was clearly demonstrated again this past weekend with the Live8 concert. So, we have declared an emergency and are trying to round up Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thorton, Steve Buscemi, Michael Clark Duncan, Owen Wilson and those other guys so we can launch a mission to blow up that comet. The NFL season starts September 8th and it would be a shame to ruin the football season. We are hoping Jen will allow Ben to go on this important mission or we may all be doomed."

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Sunday, July 03, 2005

- Senator Hagel Launches New Strategy

Senator Hagel, a likely Presidential Candidate in 2008, has launched a new public relations strategy based on his observations of Democratic fence straddling techniques used in the 2004 campaign. Hagel's recent quote about Iraq was picked up by MoveOn for use in one of their anti-war television ads and print campaigns. It is certain to increase his name recognition and raise his popularity with the far-left Democrats who own that party.

A spokesman for Hagel said, "Yes, It's a new strategy. We think being on both sides of every issue is a winning strategy, but you have to push it to the limit if you want to succeed. We are starting our Presidential campaign now and we are going to run for both the Republican and Democratic nominations simultaneously. In the August 2008 timeframe, we're going to switch to the Independent party, win that nomination and capture the votes of all the people on the far-left and the far-right plus the Greens and Libertarians.

We'll let Hillary and Condi fight it out over the folks in the middle. We believe the voters we draw away from both the Republicans and Democrats will allow us to win the race and claim a mandate without having to define any real agenda or policy."

Campaign strategist Bob Shrump said, "I think this sounds like a winning strategy. Where do I sign up to run this campaign?"

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- Senate Decides to Clone Justice O'Connor

A spokesman for the gang of 14 Senators said today that the Senate reached a compromise to break the deadlock on the nomination of a new Supreme Court Justice to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. He said, "Since agreement couldn't be reached on a suitably ambiguous nominee, we decided the best solution was simply to clone Mrs. O'Connor so we wouldn't actually have to replace her."

A frustrated Senator Frist said he was ready to "nuk'em till they glowed" but this latest compromise had again blocked his opportunity to eliminate the filibuster and assert majority rights.

Pundits said the compromise came after a hard fought partisan battle. The battle started when President Bush was unable to get unanimous approval from all Democratic Senators for any of his twenty potential nominees prior to their nomination. Dirty Harry Reed explained, "That lying loser is obligated by the Constitution to get our unanimous approval prior to nominating anyone. Anything short of that demonstrates lack of respect and bad faith on his part, and we will not tolerate his Mussolini like behavior." Senator Reed advised the President that he should behave more like Bill Clinton. Bush responded immediately by getting "serviced" in the oval office by Helen Thomas, but it did not break the deadlock.

Other options were discussed. Zell Miller proposed a full Senatorial duel pitting all Republicans against all Democrats. Senator Miller volunteered to officiate since he was a DINO, and the only one who knew the proper etiquette for conducting a mass duel. The proposal was given serious consideration but eventually rejected by both sides. Democrats rejected the proposal because they felt they would be disadvantaged since only Senator Inouye actually knew how to fire a gun. Some Democratic Senator's said they had seen a real gun, but most had only seen guns on TV. Second, the Republicans who were initially for the plan, changed their mind when they realized that the RINO's might shoot them in the back after the duel started. In the end, the Senators all agreed that they were much to valuable to the sheople of the USA to risk injury over such a small issue.

A Senate historian explained that it was highly improbable that the Senators' would engage in any type of physical combat because most of them were lawyers. He said, "Everyone knows that lawyers are pussies. Since their early twenties most of these spoiled rich kids have been able to avoid numerous well-deserved ass-whippings simply by saying "Hey, I'm a lawyer. If you hit me, I'll sue you." There would have to be an awful lot of money on the table for any of these folks to make a personal sacrifice."

In another odd twist to the story, a memo leaked to the press indicated that for several months President Clinton had been lobbying President Bush, via his father, George H. W. Bush, to be nominated for the Supreme Court vacancy. Mr. Clinton told Hillary his goal was to be on the Court before the 2008 Presidential election so he could provide her with assistance in the case of a close race. But, sources say, Mr. Clinton told Poppa Bush that he liked the idea of having his own hand-picked crew of hot young law clerks to attend to his "needs". Sources said George W. told Bill, "No Way Jose, you been disbarred. Heh, heh, heh!"

When asked about details on the cloning a Republican Senate spokesman said, "Dr. Boisselier at Cloniad made an appeal to the Senators to "buy American" since she and Rael were available to do the job. But, Senators were dissuaded when it was revealed that Raelians might themselves be Scientology clones."

The spokesman continued, "The clone will be produced in partnership with the South Korean government by scientist Hwang Woo-Suk. We decided to outsource the work to South Korea because it will be a lot cheaper and human cloning is legal there. The Senate agreed to some concessions to the South Korean government on the project including: The clone will be a half-Korean which we see as a positive outcome because we get credit for a two-fer (female & a minority) and, the replacement will be named Sandra Oh'Clonnor in recognition of her half-Korean heritage and her asexual origins."

A spokesman for Dr. Suk said, "This clone will be programmed to mature to the physical age of 21 and mental age of 51 about three months after her "re-birth". At that point, the aging process will regress to a natural rate and she will be ready for release to SCOTUS. Initially, we had planned to start her physical age at 18 to make her "legal" and provide the maximum life span, but we were ordered to increase her physical age to 21. The Americans told us, "When she realizes that she can vote, have consensual sex, join the military and sign a legal contract but can't go into a casino or a bar she may be upset. We do not want her trying to reverse any logical decisions that have already been made."

A spokesman for Dr. Suk said he had a couple of concerns. "He is worried about a new disease that psychiatrists call the "Michael Jackson syndrome". It is a pathobiology whereby people who never had a real childhood attempt to compensate through excessive plastic surgery, skin bleaching, pedophilia and other socially unacceptable behavior." The Senate spokesman said his only concern was about Clarence Thomas pursuing the clone. "He is always hounding Ginsberg with that "once you go black you'll never go back" argument and calling her "Baby Ruth". We just hope he doesn't try that crap on Sandra Oh'Clonnor because she comes pre-programmed as a TaeKwon-Do master." END OF STORY!

A response to The Jawa Report

Another humorous look at SCOTUS nominee issue:

Bush Eyes Magic 8 Ball To Replace O'Connor at PointFiveStep

And a more serious look at:
Activists Preparing for O'Connor Replacement Fight at Outside the Beltway
The New Supreme Court Nominee at Dean's World,
Abuse of Power Alert at The Politburo Diktat,
Extreme Circumstances at Wizbang,
Replacing Sandra Day O'Connor at Resistance is Futile and
Let the Fun Begin at DougPetch.com

Democrats Adopt O'Connor as Model for Bush Court Pick from 7 Jul NYT - Hate to say I told you so....

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