Tuesday, July 05, 2005

- China buys Taiwan and Cuba

The Peoples Republic of China, Inc. announced today that it will purchase Taiwan and Cuba. Wang Xudong, Minister of Information said, "Investment bankers from Goldman Sachs brought us the deal. They determined that an all cash acquisition made more sense than a hostile takeover. Every politician has their price and we simply bought off the President of Taiwan and the whole Taiwanese legislature. Castro was a bit of a pain but we made him and his brother an offer they couldn't refuse."

Asked about the rationale for the deal an unnamed spokesman said, "If we would have attacked Taiwan there would have been military action and the Americans might have reneged on the payment of their treasury bonds. We have trillions of dollars worth of those bonds and we needed to diversify our portfolio by acquiring more real assets. Plus, our supplier relationship with Wal-mart would have been disrupted causing everyone to lose money. We didn't want the negative publicity with the American consumer because they are our number one customer! Owning Taiwan gives us control of the South China Sea and allows us close off oil flow to Japan if necessary. Plus, we got some used F-16s, Aegis class destroyers and some new Patriot missile systems as part of the deal. We can extract technology from those systems and that means we won't have to buy as many systems from Israel."

Sources say that China's acquisition of Taiwan will increase GDP on an accretive basis after only two quarters because it will allow a substantial increase in industrial espionage and theft of high-tech intellectual property from the US. An unnamed spokesman said, "We have had a growing presence in the US for twenty years but since Taiwanese companies already control a large part of the computer chipset and DRAM markets this will greatly accelerate our access to all kinds of sensitive technology. We got some great satellite guidance technology from Loral and Hughes during the 90's that jump-started our long-range missile programs but military technology has been tougher to get lately."

When asked about Cuba an unnamed source said, "China has encouraged Castro to adopt capitalism but he is an idiot. Everyone knows socialism doesn't work. Even Kim Jung Il is adopting capitalism! China has got some new trade agreements with Brazil but we need a physical location in Central America since CAFTA passed over our objections. Cuba will be a source of cheap labor and will allow China to meet product requirements for US content and enter the market for large durable goods where previously we were not competitive in that product category due to transportation costs. In addition, acquiring Cuba is a pay-back for Taiwan. Taiwan is about the same distance from China as Cuba is from Florida. Cuba has never presented a threat to the US except for two weeks in 1962 during the so-called "missile crisis". The US has continued to sell modern weapons to Taiwan just to aggravate us. And you wonder why you get no assistance on North Korea? China is going to take the Patriot missile systems from Taiwan, move them to Cuba and point them at Miami. Then we'll see how you feel about giving nukes to Japan."

When asked about other potential acquisitions the insider said, "China recently considered buying GM to get into the automobile business but we found out that none of the US manufacturers actually make money on automobiles anymore. They only make money on the financing. Now that the major auto manufactures are entering a global price war, China will wait. We will buy these assets for pennies on the remimbi as global overcapacity gets reduced through consolidation. As far as the CNOOC/Chevron deal, that is a defensive move to lock up some oil and gas fields in Southeast Asia in case middle-east oil is unavailable. China realizes that the US will have a permanent presence in Afghanistan and Iraq. That means they will have control of middle-east oil and the Caspian Sea region oil fields that are coming on line. That means China could be cut off at any time."

When asked for his reaction a retired British diplomat and long-time resident of Hong Kong said, "I realize that some in the west are surprised by this move, but the Chinese have always been excellent businessmen. Everyone in Southeast Asia knows that the Chinese hold most of the wealth and own most of the major business interests in Malaysia, Philippines, Indonesia, Singapore and Thailand. Why do you think they call them the "Jews of the east"?"

Democrats immediately blamed Republicans for the development citing Richard Nixon as architect of an open-door China policy. "The US should still be pursuing the containment policy that was put in place during the Kennedy Administration", Senator Biden said. "We didn't have any problems with the Chinese until those crazy Republicans decided to convert them to capitalism and democracy. Now look at this mess. What we need to do is force them to re-value their currency and also hit them with a 25% tariff on all imports. We think this will return a lot of manufacturing job to the US and help Wal-mart raise its prices and wages. That will be good for everybody, don't you agree?"
Another take from Point Five
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