Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Secretary of States Cuts Hawaii Loose, Installs Israel

In response to China's recent purchase of Taiwan and Cuba, States Department spokesman Richard Bowcher announced today that Secretary of States Condi Rice had revoked Hawaii's statehood and imposed statehood upon Israel.

Asked about the change in title from Secretary of State to Secretary of "States" Mr. Bowcher said, "That's off topic but I'll provide a short explanation. With passage of the 17th Amendment, the US Senate began being elected by popular vote rather than being elected by vote of State legislatures. This caused State Governments to lose much of their control over the Federal Government. By expanding the charter of the "States" Department to include assisting in US State matters we feel we are restoring some of that control. We don't think the Senators will mind because historically, they have ceded their authority to the Executive Branch whenever tough decisions had to be made."

Bowcher continued, "We had in-depth discussions about the Hawaiian Government Reorganization Bill (also known as the Akaka bill) and we decided if the Hawaii state government favors an independent ethnic based government and is taking a step toward secession, it is in our best interest to make a clean break now. We did everything we could think of to keep them on the reservation, so to speak. Hawaii will remain as a US territory for now, like American Samoa and Guam, but this sets them up to be an independent nation or maybe join Japan or China in the future."

A unnamed source said that ACLU representatives had met with the Hawaii's Senators and Governor and described the meeting. "They explained to the Hawaiians that it was a proven fact that "diversity makes us stronger" and "multiculturism is necessary for our success". The Governer said they would prefer to establish a successful heterogeneous culture like Japan that keeps the "crazy gaijin" out. The ACLU representatives told them if they didn't drop the Akaka bill they would be perceived as racists, just like Vincente Fox. Senator Akaka got upset, called them "dumb haoles" and ended the meeting."

When asked why Israel was added as a state Bowcher said only, "We didn't want to go through the expense of changing the number of stars on the flag so we thought it best to add a new state if we dropped one."

A unnamed source said there were other motives and explained, "Remember last week after the bombings when people were saying "We are all Londoners now"? Well, now that we know the London terrorist attacks were the work of suicide/homicide bombers we can say "We are all Israelis now". I think we have to recognize that the enemy sees no distinction between the UK, US and Israel so we might as well admit that fact and act accordingly.

"Also, the US sends about $3 billion a year in aid to Israel plus another $2 billion in aid to Egypt every year. If we make Israel a state, we immediately save $5 billion a year in aid and we also get to collect income tax from our new citizens. Jews are only about 2% of the US population and there are more Jews in the US than in Israel. So, with Israel as a US state, the Jewish population will still be less than 4% of total US population and there will be no noticeable change in the current ethnic/religious balance."

"Also, there is the political angle. Hawaii is a blue state with about 1.3 million people and 4 electoral votes. Israel would add about 6.2 million in population and have 11 electoral votes. It would rank number 12 or 13 in state population right ahead of Massachusetts and right behind Virginia. The US Jewish population voted 76% for Kerry in 2004 but we believe the people of Israel would vote Republican for national defense reasons. That means Israel would be a red state and if you look at the differential between gaining Israel and not losing Hawaii that's a swing of 15 electoral votes. I have no idea who will be the Republican Presidential candidate in 2008, but they will definetly benefit from this change."
Other thoughts from:
BlameBush! - Exploding Bus Kills Muslim Male
Brainster's Blog - Story of a Hero Doctor
Conservative Thinking for When the West Handles Terror Like Israel
Mark in Mexico - Update on London Bombings
Thanks to Outside the Beltway for Beltway Traffic Jam
Thanks to The Jawa Report for Festival of the Feisty Fatwas
Thanks to Mudville Gazzette for Open Post

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