Sunday, July 03, 2005

- Senate Decides to Clone Justice O'Connor

A spokesman for the gang of 14 Senators said today that the Senate reached a compromise to break the deadlock on the nomination of a new Supreme Court Justice to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. He said, "Since agreement couldn't be reached on a suitably ambiguous nominee, we decided the best solution was simply to clone Mrs. O'Connor so we wouldn't actually have to replace her."

A frustrated Senator Frist said he was ready to "nuk'em till they glowed" but this latest compromise had again blocked his opportunity to eliminate the filibuster and assert majority rights.

Pundits said the compromise came after a hard fought partisan battle. The battle started when President Bush was unable to get unanimous approval from all Democratic Senators for any of his twenty potential nominees prior to their nomination. Dirty Harry Reed explained, "That lying loser is obligated by the Constitution to get our unanimous approval prior to nominating anyone. Anything short of that demonstrates lack of respect and bad faith on his part, and we will not tolerate his Mussolini like behavior." Senator Reed advised the President that he should behave more like Bill Clinton. Bush responded immediately by getting "serviced" in the oval office by Helen Thomas, but it did not break the deadlock.

Other options were discussed. Zell Miller proposed a full Senatorial duel pitting all Republicans against all Democrats. Senator Miller volunteered to officiate since he was a DINO, and the only one who knew the proper etiquette for conducting a mass duel. The proposal was given serious consideration but eventually rejected by both sides. Democrats rejected the proposal because they felt they would be disadvantaged since only Senator Inouye actually knew how to fire a gun. Some Democratic Senator's said they had seen a real gun, but most had only seen guns on TV. Second, the Republicans who were initially for the plan, changed their mind when they realized that the RINO's might shoot them in the back after the duel started. In the end, the Senators all agreed that they were much to valuable to the sheople of the USA to risk injury over such a small issue.

A Senate historian explained that it was highly improbable that the Senators' would engage in any type of physical combat because most of them were lawyers. He said, "Everyone knows that lawyers are pussies. Since their early twenties most of these spoiled rich kids have been able to avoid numerous well-deserved ass-whippings simply by saying "Hey, I'm a lawyer. If you hit me, I'll sue you." There would have to be an awful lot of money on the table for any of these folks to make a personal sacrifice."

In another odd twist to the story, a memo leaked to the press indicated that for several months President Clinton had been lobbying President Bush, via his father, George H. W. Bush, to be nominated for the Supreme Court vacancy. Mr. Clinton told Hillary his goal was to be on the Court before the 2008 Presidential election so he could provide her with assistance in the case of a close race. But, sources say, Mr. Clinton told Poppa Bush that he liked the idea of having his own hand-picked crew of hot young law clerks to attend to his "needs". Sources said George W. told Bill, "No Way Jose, you been disbarred. Heh, heh, heh!"

When asked about details on the cloning a Republican Senate spokesman said, "Dr. Boisselier at Cloniad made an appeal to the Senators to "buy American" since she and Rael were available to do the job. But, Senators were dissuaded when it was revealed that Raelians might themselves be Scientology clones."

The spokesman continued, "The clone will be produced in partnership with the South Korean government by scientist Hwang Woo-Suk. We decided to outsource the work to South Korea because it will be a lot cheaper and human cloning is legal there. The Senate agreed to some concessions to the South Korean government on the project including: The clone will be a half-Korean which we see as a positive outcome because we get credit for a two-fer (female & a minority) and, the replacement will be named Sandra Oh'Clonnor in recognition of her half-Korean heritage and her asexual origins."

A spokesman for Dr. Suk said, "This clone will be programmed to mature to the physical age of 21 and mental age of 51 about three months after her "re-birth". At that point, the aging process will regress to a natural rate and she will be ready for release to SCOTUS. Initially, we had planned to start her physical age at 18 to make her "legal" and provide the maximum life span, but we were ordered to increase her physical age to 21. The Americans told us, "When she realizes that she can vote, have consensual sex, join the military and sign a legal contract but can't go into a casino or a bar she may be upset. We do not want her trying to reverse any logical decisions that have already been made."

A spokesman for Dr. Suk said he had a couple of concerns. "He is worried about a new disease that psychiatrists call the "Michael Jackson syndrome". It is a pathobiology whereby people who never had a real childhood attempt to compensate through excessive plastic surgery, skin bleaching, pedophilia and other socially unacceptable behavior." The Senate spokesman said his only concern was about Clarence Thomas pursuing the clone. "He is always hounding Ginsberg with that "once you go black you'll never go back" argument and calling her "Baby Ruth". We just hope he doesn't try that crap on Sandra Oh'Clonnor because she comes pre-programmed as a TaeKwon-Do master." END OF STORY!

A response to The Jawa Report

Another humorous look at SCOTUS nominee issue:

Bush Eyes Magic 8 Ball To Replace O'Connor at PointFiveStep

And a more serious look at:
Activists Preparing for O'Connor Replacement Fight at Outside the Beltway
The New Supreme Court Nominee at Dean's World,
Abuse of Power Alert at The Politburo Diktat,
Extreme Circumstances at Wizbang,
Replacing Sandra Day O'Connor at Resistance is Futile and
Let the Fun Begin at

Democrats Adopt O'Connor as Model for Bush Court Pick from 7 Jul NYT - Hate to say I told you so....

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