armed victim

- Progressives Unveil Monument to Cindy Sheehan

2005-08-16T00:20:00.000-04:00

Proclaiming her a "Great American Hero", progressives unveiled a monument to Cindy Sheehan today in Crawford Texas. When asked about a memorial for Casey Sheehan, a spokesman said, "We haven't really gotten around to planning anything yet".

Madonna Introduces Cockfighting to UK

2005-07-19T12:29:00.000-04:00

In a surprise move, Madonna has introduced cockfighting to her community in England. Madonna believed introducing the new "sport" would expand the communty's cultural horizon and increase her standing with the aristocracy.

A spokesman for Madonna said, "London is buzzing and it has become all the rage for the "in" crowd. Since they outlawed foxhunting the landed gentry have been depressed since they had no stimulating community activity that involved killing animals. They can participate in this sport by not only breeding their own cocks but also betting on the fights. Madonna definetly runs the show. She makes Guy gather the eggs and clean up the chicken shit while she runs the breeding and gambling operations. There is no one in England that knows more about cocks than Madge."

- Valerie Plame Responsible for Bad Iraqi WMD Intel

2005-07-17T13:43:00.000-04:00

L - Wilson & Plame at recent Demo fundraiser
R - Wilson with Plame (under cover)

An unnamed source disclosed today that Valerie Plame was solely responsible for the bad intelligence that lead George Tenet to tell George Bush that Iraqi WMD intelligence was a "slam dunk". The source, who leaked on triple super-duper secret background said, "It seems that this was a scheme by the Wilson's to embarass the Bush administration by fooling them into going to war in Iraq. They figured the Democrats would easily win the 2004 Presidential election if it was determined that there were no WMDs in Iraq. That way, Mr. Wilson would be able to get a job in the new administration and wouldn't have to depend on his wife to find him work. Unfortunately, Evil Karl Rove altered the voting machines in Ohio remotely via the Internet just prior to poles closing and poor John Kerry was robbed of the victory that was cleary his as of 6 PM on election day."

- BBC Changes Name to BC

2005-07-13T00:11:00.000-04:00

The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) has changed its name to the "Broadcasting Corporation" (BC) because it does not want to mislead anyone who might believe it represents British interests.
A BC spokesman said "Calling this Government funded agency "British" is an impediment to understanding various ethnic citizens that want to destroy the nation. Being associated with anything British is very offensive to employees of BC since we consider Britain to be responsible for all attacks by "the misunderstood" against innocent civilians within the nation's borders. This is just one of many steps will be taking to reach out to the disenfranchised immigrant community that has been victimized by the freedom of speech and religion they have been forced to endure for too long."

Secretary of States Cuts Hawaii Loose, Installs Israel

2005-07-12T13:16:00.000-04:00

In response to China's recent purchase of Taiwan and Cuba, States Department spokesman Richard Bowcher announced today that Secretary of States Condi Rice had revoked Hawaii's statehood and imposed statehood upon Israel.

Asked about the change in title from Secretary of State to Secretary of "States" Mr. Bowcher said, "That's off topic but I'll provide a short explanation. With passage of the 17th Amendment, the US Senate began being elected by popular vote rather than being elected by vote of State legislatures. This caused State Governments to lose much of their control over the Federal Government. By expanding the charter of the "States" Department to include assisting in US State matters we feel we are restoring some of that control. We don't think the Senators will mind because historically, they have ceded their authority to the Executive Branch whenever tough decisions had to be made."

Bowcher continued, "We had in-depth discussions about the Hawaiian Government Reorganization Bill (also known as the Akaka bill) and we decided if the Hawaii state government favors an independent ethnic based government and is taking a step toward secession, it is in our best interest to make a clean break now. We did everything we could think of to keep them on the reservation, so to speak. Hawaii will remain as a US territory for now, like American Samoa and Guam, but this sets them up to be an independent nation or maybe join Japan or China in the future."

A unnamed source said that ACLU representatives had met with the Hawaii's Senators and Governor and described the meeting. "They explained to the Hawaiians that it was a proven fact that "diversity makes us stronger" and "multiculturism is necessary for our success". The Governer said they would prefer to establish a successful heterogeneous culture like Japan that keeps the "crazy gaijin" out. The ACLU representatives told them if they didn't drop the Akaka bill they would be perceived as racists, just like Vincente Fox. Senator Akaka got upset, called them "dumb haoles" and ended the meeting."

When asked why Israel was added as a state Bowcher said only, "We didn't want to go through the expense of changing the number of stars on the flag so we thought it best to add a new state if we dropped one."

A unnamed source said there were other motives and explained, "Remember last week after the bombings when people were saying "We are all Londoners now"? Well, now that we know the London terrorist attacks were the work of suicide/homicide bombers we can say "We are all Israelis now". I think we have to recognize that the enemy sees no distinction between the UK, US and Israel so we might as well admit that fact and act accordingly.

"Also, the US sends about $3 billion a year in aid to Israel plus another $2 billion in aid to Egypt every year. If we make Israel a state, we immediately save $5 billion a year in aid and we also get to collect income tax from our new citizens. Jews are only about 2% of the US population and there are more Jews in the US than in Israel. So, with Israel as a US state, the Jewish population will still be less than 4% of total US population and there will be no noticeable change in the current ethnic/religious balance."

"Also, there is the political angle. Hawaii is a blue state with about 1.3 million people and 4 electoral votes. Israel would add about 6.2 million in population and have 11 electoral votes. It would rank number 12 or 13 in state population right ahead of Massachusetts and right behind Virginia. The US Jewish population voted 76% for Kerry in 2004 but we believe the people of Israel would vote Republican for national defense reasons. That means Israel would be a red state and if you look at the differential between gaining Israel and not losing Hawaii that's a swing of 15 electoral votes. I have no idea who will be the Republican Presidential candidate in 2008, but they will definetly benefit from this change."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Other thoughts from:
BlameBush! - Exploding Bus Kills Muslim Male
Brainster's Blog - Story of a Hero Doctor
Conservative Thinking for When the West Handles Terror Like Israel
Mark in Mexico - Update on London Bombings
Thanks to Outside the Beltway for Beltway Traffic Jam
Thanks to The Jawa Report for Festival of the Feisty Fatwas
Thanks to Mudville Gazzette for Open Post

- Democratic Operatives Say Rove Leaked Withdrawal Memo

2005-07-11T21:04:00.000-04:00

Unnamed Democratic operatives said today that they believe Karl Rove was behind the secret British memo that says the US and Britain will withdraw the majority of their troops from Iraq in 2006.
"We think this is simply a tactic by Evil Karl to divert attention from the CIA agent disclosure case. But, if the memo is authentic that presents a huge problem for us in the 2006 Congressional elections. See, the only thing we have to run on in 2006 is being against Bush, since we haven't done anything but obstruct and vilify the Republicans for the last six years. If the Iraqi government and Iraqi military are stable enough to operate independently, and our troops levels are drawn down significantly by November 2006, that could be construed as success in Iraq. That perception would be a disaster for us in both House and Senate races. And, if we lose those races, we probably won't win the White House in 2008. While we have been demanding an exit strategy and withdrawal from Iraq, I'm afraid this might really bite us in the ass."
-----------------------------------------------------
For the real story go to:

Wizbang - Rove Already Convicted In The Press
Mark in Mexico - Karl Rove and Patrick Fitzgerald, "The Jokes on You."
The Jawa Report - Mr. Bush, Fire Karl Rove

- Martha Stewart Speaks Out on Behalf of Lil' Kim and Judith Miller

2005-07-11T18:31:00.000-04:00

<<-- picture of Lil' Kim in her prison cell

Today, during an episode of her latest cooking show, "Calaboose Cuisine", Martha Stewart went off scipt and launched into an emotional tirade in support of her convict friends, Lil' Kim and Judith Miller.
Stewart said, "All three of us have been victims of lying men and we were all incarcerated due to a miscarriage of justice. For example, I lied for Sam Wacksal but he was stupid and greedy and got convicted anyway. I should have been let off like Richard Scrushy since it was all Sam's fault. Lil' Kim was convicted of lying for a man while Puff Doodles was acquitted on similar charges. Judith lied for Karl Rove and was sent to jail unlike Matthew Cooper who was let go with no charges."

She continued, "I think the blatant sexism perpetrated against Kim, Judith and I is obvious. I call on all women to protest this treatment by boycotting all household choirs and withholding sex until things change. Let face it, the men can go without sex, but there is no way they will be able to survive if they have to cook, clean and do laundry."

Asked for comment Lil' Kim said, "It is unfortunate that I find myself in this position but I will stick to my principles."

Judith Miller said, "I'm goin' on a hunger strike. These punk ass bitches can't make me eat nuthin'. I got my wall street cred to uphold. Noam sayin?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Hat Tip to Six Meat Buffet for We Are All Lil’ Kim!
Thanks to Outside the Beltway for Beltway Traffic Jam

- Hurricane Critics Say Dennis was Over-hyped

2005-07-11T17:22:00.000-04:00

Several Hurricane critics gave Hurricane Dennis a thumbs down today as it left the theater. One critic said, "Dennis was supposed to be the first blockbuster hurricane of the summer but it didn't fulfill expectations."

Another critic said, "It was doomed from the start. I think audiences are weary from all the hurricanes last year. "Ivan the Terrible" was awesome, but there wasn't much excitement for a sequel called "Dennis the Menace". It used exactly the same plot line as the original, destroying Floribama again. I think if Dennis would have hit Miami directly that would have drawn a bigger audience. It would have had broader ethnic appeal and they could have had a bunch of super-models in bikinis getting washed down the streets of South Beach. Now that would have been exciting."

Another critic lamented, "The acting in Dennis was totally forgettable. We had a predictable performance from Jeb Bush as the concerned Governor, but no one can even remember who played the head of FEMA and that was supposed to be one of the key roles.”

An industry insider said Ivan cost over $7 billion, but they only expected the sequel "Dennis" to cost about $3 billion, less than half of the original. “We hope things improve or the whole hurricane season could be a bust. Even if we have a few big hits this fall I don't think we will be able to equal the cost of last years holiday blockbuster, "Tsunami"," said the insider.
----------------------------------------
Thanks to bamapachyderm for open hurricane trackback party
and IMAO for Storm Reporters

and E-claire E-Biscuit for How Comes this is *not* on the news?
and Florida-Cracker for Dennis is no Ivan

- Emminent Domain Name Ruling Goes for Google

2005-07-09T23:30:00.000-04:00

Attorneys for Google announced today that they had won a suit against an individual who they charged with "typosquatting" on their domain. Google was awarded ownership of several of the individual's virtual properties.

A Google spokesman and said they would develop these properties and expand their use for the "good of the public". A County Supervisor noted that these properties would generate additional tax revenue for the Board of Supervisors to spend on unneccessary projects.

The losers attorney said, "We never really had a chance. Those billionaires had an army of lawyers and the politicians in their pocket. The case was just a formality. The decision had already been made. This is a sad day in cyber history. Property rights were a founding principal of the Internet. Without property rights any person's cyber property can be taken away arbitrarily at any time."

- Citizens of Kentucky's 37th Senate Distict Auction Vacant Seat on Ebay

2005-07-09T21:47:00.000-04:00

A spokesman for the citizens of Kentucky's 37th Senate District said that they had reached agreement with the State Senate and Franklin County judge and planned to auction a vacant Senate seat on Ebay to raise revenue for their District.

The spokesman said, "The Franklin County Judge overuled the State Senate after they decided to seat the winner of the election who was determined to be unqualifed to run by the County judge after the election. So, we are in limbo with no representation since the State Senate appealed the case to the State Supreme Court when they lost the case in the County Court. Did you get that?"

"In the meantime, we have taxation without representation so it is only fair that we be allowed to raise some money to off-set our taxes. So, we decided to auction off the seat on Ebay and to split the proceeds with the State Senate and County Court. We expect many lawyers and lobbyists who already have connections in Frankfort will come forward to bid for the seat. Whoever wins it will be able to cut deals and add some amendments to legislation so they can legally line their own pockets when they are removed from the office by the State Supreme Court decision. That's just the way modern politics works and we have to adapt."

- Government of Sri Lanka Destroys Guns to Create Peaceful Atmosphere

2005-07-09T20:33:00.000-04:00

Today, on International Day Against Illegal Firearms Day, the Government of Sri Lanka steamrolled over 30,000 small arms that had been recovered by the police over the last 14 years. Regarding the action, one newspaper reported this quote from a government official.“

Minister Wickramanayake said, `We need a country sans the gun culture and we need the cooperation of the public as we have to confiscate all unlicensed firearms to make this country safe for everyone. We have to build a society that eschews violence so that our children could grow up in a peaceful atmosphere.'”

Another newspaper reported comments from another Ministry Secretary:

“Mr. Ranaviraja further said that the government is taking this opportunity to address the need to tackle the proliferation of illegal small arms, which are the cause of various types of crime.”

The newspaper article continued:

“Police had launched special operations at several intervals to recover illegal firearms. They also offered special amnesties but these have not yielded the desired results. The Ministry invited the public to cooperate by providing information on illegal arms which greatly contribute to the spread of crime. A reward scheme is in place for those who supply information leading to the recovery of such firearms.”

Other activities on International Day Against Illegal Firearms Day included those sponsored by the South Asia Small Arms Network (SASA Net). They were described as:

“organised media activities, poster and photo exhibitions, awareness programs and collaborated events with Samasevaya to encourage children to burn toy guns. SASA Net members were interviewed by Swadeshiya Sewaya, a Sinhala language programme of the national radio station, the Sri Lanka Broadcasting Cooperation.”

A recent report by the “National Commission Against Proliferation of Illicit Small Arms and Light Weapons in All Its Aspects (NCAPISA)” cited the following issues as causes of increasing gun violence:

"Increase in violent nature of conflicts
• Violence within different social and ethnic groups in the country has increased
• Rapid increase in armed clashes between rival political groups during pre and post-election time
• Firearms are issued to politicians when they are elected but they are not monitored regularly and not returned at the end of their term in office

Increase in violent crime
• Increased number of army deserters and their involvement in organized crime
• Escalation in contract killings, rape, robberies, grievous harm and assault
• Proliferation of small arms is closely linked to drug trafficking and illicit liquor brewing

When asked about the twenty year insurgency of the Tamil Tigers against the government an unnamed spokesman said, “The Tamils used to be peace loving citizens that supported the government. It was only after they got those guns that they became criminals and started making guerilla attacks against the government and civilians.”

The official changed the subject and explained, “After the tsunami, we are trying to revive the tourist industry. It collapsed in 1983 when the insurgency began. Sri Lanka used to be known as Ceylon but before that it was called “Serendip”, which is where the word serendipity came from. We have not been able to stop the insurgency but we believe with the right marketing campaign we can revive tourism. We even have a new marketing slogan “Put the Serendipity back in your life, come see Sri Lanka”.

When asked about other issues facing the country the spokesman said, “While it is true that we have the highest suicide rate per capita and the highest death rates per capita due to snake bites and pesticide poisoning, there is nothing we can do about it. What do want us to do, kill the snakes and confiscate the pesticides. That won’t work.”

A spokesman for the Tamil Tigers said, “We are trading drugs and laundering money so that we can buy better weapons to defeat them. The only guns the government destroyed today were obsolete and rusty. It was just a public relations gimmick dreamed up by some do-gooder at the U.N. It’s like sticking your finger in a dike when a tsunami is coming.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It appears the Brainster did not realize that the appropriate blog for this type of post is/ was Armed Victim. Even sadder is how Armed Victim's world was crushed when he found the "Civilan Gun Self-Defense Blog" only two weeks after starting his blog and posting several gun self defense stories. At that point, he cursed the blog world and deleted all gun self defense stories from his blog vowing never again to dillude himself into thinking that he had an original idea without first searching the blogosphere.

- Historian Zen Proves Churchill's Indian Ancestry

2005-07-09T16:24:00.000-04:00

Based on a recently discovered archive of Native American history, historian Howard Zen has conclusively established that Ward Churchill is "Indigenous".

Commenting on his research Zen said, "Objectivity is impossible but I have proof that on his father's side of the family Mr. Churchill is directly descended from an American Indian that participated in the Boston Tea Party. In addition, I established ancestral links on his mother’s side of the family to Grey Owl, an important environmental activist that lived in what is now known as Canada. Grey Owl is a descendant of Wacousta. Wacousta was a close ally of Chief Pontiac and his life provided the inspiration for the famous Canadian biography by historian John Richardson.”

Zen continued, “I think it is easy to see that Mr. Churchill inherited many of his ancestor’s characteristics. For example, the Indians that participated in the Boston Tea Party were resisting a tyrannical government and Ward's forefathers were right there. Grey Owl dedicated himself to stopping the Canadian government from destroying Native lands making him an innovator in environmental protection. Wacousta spoke truth to power and waged armed struggle against many governments to remain free. I think the following short description of the book “Wacousta” goes a long way in explaining Ward's inherited behavior.

"Set on the northwest frontier during the Pontiac conspiracy of the 1760s, this story of false identity, wasted love, diabolic vengeance and unquenchable hatred articulates themes and mythologies relevant to French, British, Canadian and American history."

Thanks to Wizbang for Carnival of the Trackbacks IXX

- Send an E-mail to Tony Blair

2005-07-08T11:04:00.000-04:00

The Link and a suggestion for your correspondence:

Dear Mr. Prime Minister, (your own words of support and encouragement here).

Bloody Brilliant Idea from ThirdWaveDave!

- Democrats Upstage Republicans on Supreme Court Nominee Hearing Advisors

2005-07-07T21:03:00.000-04:00

A spokesman for Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee announced today that in response to Republicans appointment of Fred Thompson as an "advisor" to the President's Supreme Court nominee, they would appoint their own team to "advise" them during the upcoming hearings.

The spokesman made the following statements, "Everybody realizes that actors are enlightened people that provide our society with wise council. Adding an actor to their team was definetly a Roveian scheme. But, Evil Karl can't beat us when it comes to acting and we are adding two actors to our team.

Everyone knows that Fred Thompson plays District Attorney (DA) Arthur Branch on the TV show "Law & Order" (aka L&O). But, no one knows that he is a real lawyer and was a real US Senator because those details aren't important. It's the publics perception that counts.

We are appointing Steven Hill and Carey Lowell as our advisors. Steven played the role of DA Adam Schiff on L&O for 9 years and most people think he was better than Diane Weist or Fred Thompson. Also, he appeared in the movies, "Legal Eagles", "The Firm" and "The Trial of Sacco & Vanzetti". We think his legal credentials speak for themselves.

Originally we wanted Angie Harmon as the second chair, but we found out she is a Republican from Texas. What a huge disappointment! Next we pursued Stephanie March who played Assistant DA Alexandra Cabot on L&O SVU. But, we couldn't get her because Bobby Flay has her waiting tables at one of his restaurants. So, we settled on Carey Lowell who originally played the same role as Angie Harmon before. Carey is a former bond girl and married to Richard Gere. The celebrity couple will give us additional publicity when Richard accompanies Carey to Capitol Hill and lectures Congress on Buddhist philosophy as he did with the FDNY after 911."

Thanks to Outside the Beltway for Beltway Traffic Jam

- Armed Victim Plagiarized by NY Times

2005-07-07T13:26:00.000-04:00

Armed Victim announced today that his blog had been plagiarized in an incident similar to that of the theft of material from Pirate Ballerina by WorldNetDaily News.

I broke the story, "Senate Decides to Clone Justice O'Connor", on July 3rd and on July 7th, the NY Times ran the story "Democrats Adopt O'Connor as Model for Bush Court Pick". I think anyone who looks at the two stories can see they are nearly identical. It is very offensive for these traditional media types to be stealing content from serious journalists like myself, Stephen Hawking and Frank J", said the Armed Victim.

Asked for further comment the Armed Victim said, "It's clear that those neo-imperialist, evil corporate conglomeratis are anti-blogmetic. They have been spewing their hate-filled message via their shills like Alex Beam and Gary Trudeau. A revolution is underway and we are dismantling their main-stream-media world piece by piece. We will not rest until we put them all out of business! Also, my lawyer will be contacting them to get proper attribution and an apology published on the front page of the Sunday Times as well as as a suitable monetary settlement for the pain and suffering this has caused me and my family."

Thanks to Outside the Beltway for Beltway Traffic Jam

- God Save the Queen

2005-07-07T12:14:00.000-04:00

- Bush to Get Tricycle

2005-07-07T02:37:00.000-04:00

Anonymous White House sources said today that Vice President Cheney had revoked the President's bicycle privileges effectively immediately, but would allow him to ride a tricycle instead. An amateur British photographer caught this video of the President on a test ride of a tricycle. The source said, "This is the third time he's cracked up. We are concerned about his safety and a tricycle is more stable and has better breaking capability. With luck, we should be able to avoid future accidents". End of Story!

- Jacque Chirac Eats Humble Pie

2005-07-07T02:31:00.000-04:00

A spokesman for the British 2012 Olympic committee said, "The British are well known for our dry sense of humor. We find it especially ironic that Mr. Chirac is forced to eat a rather large helping of English humble pie only days after criticizing our cuisine. Delicious indeed! End of Story!

- Melee Breaks Out At Wind Farm Protest

2005-07-07T01:45:00.000-04:00

A riot broke out today outside the Alameda County Courthouse when activists from the Center for Biodiversity and PETA clashed with activists from the Sierra Club. The former group is suing the wind farm operators to shut down all wind farms because bald eagles are being killed when the birds collide with the spinning wind turbine blades. The Sierra Club insists that the wind turbines stay in operation to "increase the use of alternative energy sources" even if a few birds have to die as a result.

An observer said the trouble started when some harmless granola throwing escalated into a heated exchange of insults. The observer said, "Someone from the Sierra Club called a guy from PETA a "cat killer" and asked how he liked the new website "PETA Kills Animals". The PETA protester replied, "It's all lies you anti-immigration racist"." "After that all hell broke loose as the two groups attacked each other", said the observer.

A spokesman for the Alameda County Sheriff reported that there were over one-hundred people involved in the fighting and five arrests were made on various charges. The officer said, "There were several minor injuries and one serious injury. One victim sustained massive head injuries when he was repeatedly beaten about the head with multiple Birkenstocks. We could have stopped it sooner than we did, but many of these folks are the same ones we arrest for throwing rocks and damaging property every time there is a WTO meeting or some other demonstration in San Francisco or Berkeley. Since they were outside the courthouse, we decided to just let them slug it out for awhile before we tear gassed them."

H/T to Wizbang for What's a Good Environut To Do?

and

SixMeatBuffet for More Enemies Within Attempt to Kill San Francisco Police Officer

and Ace of Spades for The Leftist Exemption -- "Civil Disobedience" Includes Vicious Assaults On Police

- Saddam Scores Big With Media Deal

2005-07-05T17:29:00.000-04:00

Michael Obitz, Saddam Hussein’s new agent, announced today that Saddam had agreed to participate in a movie, a TV show and several product merchandising deals to cash-in on his celebrity. Obitz said, “Saddam is world famous and everyone's buzzing about torture. We think this combination is a winner! We believe Saddam's media blitz will improve his public image before his trial. When millions of viewers see that he is just a normal guy they will forgive him for any mistakes he might have made in the past. We expect his fans will travel to Baghdad and influence the Iraqi jurors to dismiss all charges or give him a sentence roughly equivalent to Martha Stewart’s.”

A spokesman for the movie producer said, “The working title for the comedy is “Meet the Benevolent Dictator” and it will cover the period leading up to the US invasion of Iraq in March, 2003. Tony Shaloub will play the lead role as Saddam Hussein. We know from recent reports that Saddam is a bit of a clean freak and has obsessive-compulsive tendencies. We think the character that Tony plays in the TV series Monk will be easy to adapt for the movie. Will Ferrel and Kris Katan will play Saddam’s wacky but lovable son’s Uday & Qusay with antics similar to those performed in “Night at the Roxy”. Ben Stiller will have the role of the information minister, Baghdad Bob, contributing witty dialogue and slap-stick stunts. Saddam will have a small non-speaking role as one of his own look-alikes. We can’t say much more without giving away the plot so let’s just say the ending has a French twist.”

A spokesman for the television producer said, “The working title for the TV show is “Celebrity Torture”. It’s a reality show where we will torture real celebrities and well-known politicians. It will be a combination of Punk’d and Fear Factor but we will be taking it to the next level like Abu Gharib or Gitmo. In a typical episode, we will snatch a celebrity off the street and bring them to our dungeon. Saddam will play the dungeon master and he will provide instruction and encouragement to “friends” of the celebrity that will administer the interrogations and torture. We will keep torturing the subject until we get enough quality footage to fill a half-hour show or, they die. We know we won't have any problem getting celebrities and politicians to set-up their so-called “friends” for rendition. We found out through focus groups that the vast majority of people would tune in to see Tom Cruise tortured. We will also have guest dungeon masters like John McCain and special guest torturees like Jane Fonda and Dick Durbin to keep the show real.”

A spokesman for product merchandising said, “We are pursuing several ideas. We thought Doritos would seize the opportunity to sign Saddam for an endorsement deal but when they didn’t we invented “Saddam crackers”. They will be somewhat like Animal Crackers but in the shapes of men, women and children. They will be shredded and fried and you will be able to break them apart and eat them piece by piece just like Saddam would. Also, we are looking at a home/game edition of “Celebrity Torture” as well as Saddam action figures for the kids. What kid wouldn’t love an “evil dictator doll” to use in fights with GI Joe? Saddam will also be writing another book. This one will be the typical woe is me; I’m a victim; I had a bad childhood; memoir designed to generate sympathy. We think it has the potential to be number one on the NY Times best seller list.”

Thanks to Outside the Beltway - Traffic Jam
and Mudville Gazette for Open Post.

- China buys Taiwan and Cuba

2005-07-05T01:06:00.000-04:00

The Peoples Republic of China, Inc. announced today that it will purchase Taiwan and Cuba. Wang Xudong, Minister of Information said, "Investment bankers from Goldman Sachs brought us the deal. They determined that an all cash acquisition made more sense than a hostile takeover. Every politician has their price and we simply bought off the President of Taiwan and the whole Taiwanese legislature. Castro was a bit of a pain but we made him and his brother an offer they couldn't refuse."

Asked about the rationale for the deal an unnamed spokesman said, "If we would have attacked Taiwan there would have been military action and the Americans might have reneged on the payment of their treasury bonds. We have trillions of dollars worth of those bonds and we needed to diversify our portfolio by acquiring more real assets. Plus, our supplier relationship with Wal-mart would have been disrupted causing everyone to lose money. We didn't want the negative publicity with the American consumer because they are our number one customer! Owning Taiwan gives us control of the South China Sea and allows us close off oil flow to Japan if necessary. Plus, we got some used F-16s, Aegis class destroyers and some new Patriot missile systems as part of the deal. We can extract technology from those systems and that means we won't have to buy as many systems from Israel."

Sources say that China's acquisition of Taiwan will increase GDP on an accretive basis after only two quarters because it will allow a substantial increase in industrial espionage and theft of high-tech intellectual property from the US. An unnamed spokesman said, "We have had a growing presence in the US for twenty years but since Taiwanese companies already control a large part of the computer chipset and DRAM markets this will greatly accelerate our access to all kinds of sensitive technology. We got some great satellite guidance technology from Loral and Hughes during the 90's that jump-started our long-range missile programs but military technology has been tougher to get lately."

When asked about Cuba an unnamed source said, "China has encouraged Castro to adopt capitalism but he is an idiot. Everyone knows socialism doesn't work. Even Kim Jung Il is adopting capitalism! China has got some new trade agreements with Brazil but we need a physical location in Central America since CAFTA passed over our objections. Cuba will be a source of cheap labor and will allow China to meet product requirements for US content and enter the market for large durable goods where previously we were not competitive in that product category due to transportation costs. In addition, acquiring Cuba is a pay-back for Taiwan. Taiwan is about the same distance from China as Cuba is from Florida. Cuba has never presented a threat to the US except for two weeks in 1962 during the so-called "missile crisis". The US has continued to sell modern weapons to Taiwan just to aggravate us. And you wonder why you get no assistance on North Korea? China is going to take the Patriot missile systems from Taiwan, move them to Cuba and point them at Miami. Then we'll see how you feel about giving nukes to Japan."

When asked about other potential acquisitions the insider said, "China recently considered buying GM to get into the automobile business but we found out that none of the US manufacturers actually make money on automobiles anymore. They only make money on the financing. Now that the major auto manufactures are entering a global price war, China will wait. We will buy these assets for pennies on the remimbi as global overcapacity gets reduced through consolidation. As far as the CNOOC/Chevron deal, that is a defensive move to lock up some oil and gas fields in Southeast Asia in case middle-east oil is unavailable. China realizes that the US will have a permanent presence in Afghanistan and Iraq. That means they will have control of middle-east oil and the Caspian Sea region oil fields that are coming on line. That means China could be cut off at any time."

When asked for his reaction a retired British diplomat and long-time resident of Hong Kong said, "I realize that some in the west are surprised by this move, but the Chinese have always been excellent businessmen. Everyone in Southeast Asia knows that the Chinese hold most of the wealth and own most of the major business interests in Malaysia, Philippines, Indonesia, Singapore and Thailand. Why do you think they call them the "Jews of the east"?"

Democrats immediately blamed Republicans for the development citing Richard Nixon as architect of an open-door China policy. "The US should still be pursuing the containment policy that was put in place during the Kennedy Administration", Senator Biden said. "We didn't have any problems with the Chinese until those crazy Republicans decided to convert them to capitalism and democracy. Now look at this mess. What we need to do is force them to re-value their currency and also hit them with a 25% tariff on all imports. We think this will return a lot of manufacturing job to the US and help Wal-mart raise its prices and wages. That will be good for everybody, don't you agree?"
-----------------------------------------
Another take from Point Five

- Comet on Collision Course with Earth

2005-07-04T09:24:00.000-04:00

NASA announced today that there were unintended consequences to their latest mission that smashed a space probe into a comet. Only hours after the scientists at mission control celebrated their success, the mission's project manager, Rick Grammar, made a startling announcement; "Unfortunately it appears that the collision has altered the trajectory of the comet and it is now on a collision course with the earth. We knew this was a possibility but the probability was less than 1% so we decided it was worth the risk. We expect the impact will decimate at least 50% of the earth’s surface and lead to a large-scale nuclear winter. The end result will be a lot like the movie Deep Impact. We expect the collision to happen on September 8, 2005."

A spokesman for the President said, "The President recently watched the movie "Team American World Cops" and he knows that only actors and musicians can save the world. This was clearly demonstrated again this past weekend with the Live8 concert. So, we have declared an emergency and are trying to round up Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thorton, Steve Buscemi, Michael Clark Duncan, Owen Wilson and those other guys so we can launch a mission to blow up that comet. The NFL season starts September 8th and it would be a shame to ruin the football season. We are hoping Jen will allow Ben to go on this important mission or we may all be doomed."

- Senator Hagel Launches New Strategy

2005-07-03T02:09:00.000-04:00

Senator Hagel, a likely Presidential Candidate in 2008, has launched a new public relations strategy based on his observations of Democratic fence straddling techniques used in the 2004 campaign. Hagel's recent quote about Iraq was picked up by MoveOn for use in one of their anti-war television ads and print campaigns. It is certain to increase his name recognition and raise his popularity with the far-left Democrats who own that party.

A spokesman for Hagel said, "Yes, It's a new strategy. We think being on both sides of every issue is a winning strategy, but you have to push it to the limit if you want to succeed. We are starting our Presidential campaign now and we are going to run for both the Republican and Democratic nominations simultaneously. In the August 2008 timeframe, we're going to switch to the Independent party, win that nomination and capture the votes of all the people on the far-left and the far-right plus the Greens and Libertarians.

We'll let Hillary and Condi fight it out over the folks in the middle. We believe the voters we draw away from both the Republicans and Democrats will allow us to win the race and claim a mandate without having to define any real agenda or policy."

Campaign strategist Bob Shrump said, "I think this sounds like a winning strategy. Where do I sign up to run this campaign?"

- Senate Decides to Clone Justice O'Connor

2005-07-03T00:34:00.000-04:00

A spokesman for the gang of 14 Senators said today that the Senate reached a compromise to break the deadlock on the nomination of a new Supreme Court Justice to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. He said, "Since agreement couldn't be reached on a suitably ambiguous nominee, we decided the best solution was simply to clone Mrs. O'Connor so we wouldn't actually have to replace her."

A frustrated Senator Frist said he was ready to "nuk'em till they glowed" but this latest compromise had again blocked his opportunity to eliminate the filibuster and assert majority rights.

Pundits said the compromise came after a hard fought partisan battle. The battle started when President Bush was unable to get unanimous approval from all Democratic Senators for any of his twenty potential nominees prior to their nomination. Dirty Harry Reed explained, "That lying loser is obligated by the Constitution to get our unanimous approval prior to nominating anyone. Anything short of that demonstrates lack of respect and bad faith on his part, and we will not tolerate his Mussolini like behavior." Senator Reed advised the President that he should behave more like Bill Clinton. Bush responded immediately by getting "serviced" in the oval office by Helen Thomas, but it did not break the deadlock.

Other options were discussed. Zell Miller proposed a full Senatorial duel pitting all Republicans against all Democrats. Senator Miller volunteered to officiate since he was a DINO, and the only one who knew the proper etiquette for conducting a mass duel. The proposal was given serious consideration but eventually rejected by both sides. Democrats rejected the proposal because they felt they would be disadvantaged since only Senator Inouye actually knew how to fire a gun. Some Democratic Senator's said they had seen a real gun, but most had only seen guns on TV. Second, the Republicans who were initially for the plan, changed their mind when they realized that the RINO's might shoot them in the back after the duel started. In the end, the Senators all agreed that they were much to valuable to the sheople of the USA to risk injury over such a small issue.

A Senate historian explained that it was highly improbable that the Senators' would engage in any type of physical combat because most of them were lawyers. He said, "Everyone knows that lawyers are pussies. Since their early twenties most of these spoiled rich kids have been able to avoid numerous well-deserved ass-whippings simply by saying "Hey, I'm a lawyer. If you hit me, I'll sue you." There would have to be an awful lot of money on the table for any of these folks to make a personal sacrifice."

In another odd twist to the story, a memo leaked to the press indicated that for several months President Clinton had been lobbying President Bush, via his father, George H. W. Bush, to be nominated for the Supreme Court vacancy. Mr. Clinton told Hillary his goal was to be on the Court before the 2008 Presidential election so he could provide her with assistance in the case of a close race. But, sources say, Mr. Clinton told Poppa Bush that he liked the idea of having his own hand-picked crew of hot young law clerks to attend to his "needs". Sources said George W. told Bill, "No Way Jose, you been disbarred. Heh, heh, heh!"

When asked about details on the cloning a Republican Senate spokesman said, "Dr. Boisselier at Cloniad made an appeal to the Senators to "buy American" since she and Rael were available to do the job. But, Senators were dissuaded when it was revealed that Raelians might themselves be Scientology clones."

The spokesman continued, "The clone will be produced in partnership with the South Korean government by scientist Hwang Woo-Suk. We decided to outsource the work to South Korea because it will be a lot cheaper and human cloning is legal there. The Senate agreed to some concessions to the South Korean government on the project including: The clone will be a half-Korean which we see as a positive outcome because we get credit for a two-fer (female & a minority) and, the replacement will be named Sandra Oh'Clonnor in recognition of her half-Korean heritage and her asexual origins."

A spokesman for Dr. Suk said, "This clone will be programmed to mature to the physical age of 21 and mental age of 51 about three months after her "re-birth". At that point, the aging process will regress to a natural rate and she will be ready for release to SCOTUS. Initially, we had planned to start her physical age at 18 to make her "legal" and provide the maximum life span, but we were ordered to increase her physical age to 21. The Americans told us, "When she realizes that she can vote, have consensual sex, join the military and sign a legal contract but can't go into a casino or a bar she may be upset. We do not want her trying to reverse any logical decisions that have already been made."

A spokesman for Dr. Suk said he had a couple of concerns. "He is worried about a new disease that psychiatrists call the "Michael Jackson syndrome". It is a pathobiology whereby people who never had a real childhood attempt to compensate through excessive plastic surgery, skin bleaching, pedophilia and other socially unacceptable behavior." The Senate spokesman said his only concern was about Clarence Thomas pursuing the clone. "He is always hounding Ginsberg with that "once you go black you'll never go back" argument and calling her "Baby Ruth". We just hope he doesn't try that crap on Sandra Oh'Clonnor because she comes pre-programmed as a TaeKwon-Do master." END OF STORY!

A response to The Jawa Report

Another humorous look at SCOTUS nominee issue:
Bush Eyes Magic 8 Ball To Replace O'Connor at PointFiveStep

And a more serious look at:
Activists Preparing for O'Connor Replacement Fight at Outside the Beltway
The New Supreme Court Nominee at Dean's World,
Abuse of Power Alert at The Politburo Diktat,
Extreme Circumstances at Wizbang,
Replacing Sandra Day O'Connor at Resistance is Futile and
Let the Fun Begin at DougPetch.com

Democrats Adopt O'Connor as Model for Bush Court Pick from 7 Jul NYT - Hate to say I told you so....

- Brain Word Banned By Government

2005-06-30T15:35:00.000-04:00

According to a recent report, a department of the Government of Northern Ireland has banned the use of the word "brainstorm" because it determined that epileptics might be offended. A citizens group, the Plain English Campaign (CPE) complained that the decision had 'reached the point of real ridicule'.

The Campaign for Plain English has been in a ongoing battle with the Coalition for Responsible, Appropriate Pontification (CRAP) over word banning. CRAP said that it also encouraged the Government to ban the terms brain-fart and brain-dump as inappropriate scattalogical references. A CRAP spokesman said they were working to ban the term brain-freeze as offensive to stroke victims and bird-brain as offensive to anyone compared to Senator Byrd. CRAP said they are in discussions with a blogger to change the name of his offensive site Brainster. CRAP is also opposed to the use of the terms brain-dead, no-brainer and brain-teasers as being offensive to those with brain damage.

CRAP spokesman said that they were working to ban an use of the term "Einstein" when it was used to refer to anyone in a derogatory manner. A CRAP spokesman said, "We are keeping a close eye on the use of the term "Schiavo" as in "Frist really schiavoed that video diagnosis". So far, there have been only a few cases reported but we want to ban any offensive term quickly because once it gains acceptance, it spreads like a virus."

- Chief Churchill Chooses Clink

2005-06-27T13:25:00.000-04:00

Embattled professor Ward Churchill, Chief of the Fugawee Indian tribe, announced today that he has selected Connecticut's MacDougall-Walker state prison as the facility where he would most like to serve his prison term. Mr. Churchhill explained that he originally had planned to hide out on an Indian reservation if authorities tried to arrest him. But, since his claims of being "indigenous" have been debunked he is being shunned by all tribes. Mr. Churchill said, "At the moment, I'm about as popular with the tribes as Jack Abramoff."

Although he has not been charged with any crime Mr. Churchill said, "It's only a matter of time before the fascist pigs charges me and falsely convict me like my brother Mumia Abu-Jamal. As I'm sure you are aware, they have been hounding me ever since my "little Eichmanns" essay was published. They continue to hurl outrageous false allegations against me like fraud, financial misconduct and plagarism of both art and literature. At least in if I go to the Connecticut state prison, I will be able to live with my brothers and participate in native ritual customs."

Use BugmeNot for quick access to articles that require registration.

- Deep Throat of Downing Street Revealed

2005-06-26T17:42:00.000-04:00

In an amateur video that was released onto the Internet today, the Deep Throat of Downing Street was revealed. In response, Deep Throat said, "I have known the Prime Minister intimately for over twenty years." Video is Here. END OF STORY!

- Arianna Renames Huffington Post

2005-06-26T16:59:00.000-04:00

Arianna Huffington, announced today that she is going to re-brand her wonderblog and revert to the use of her maiden name, Arianna Georgiadis-Stassinopoulos.

She said, "First of all dahling, I am not related to George Stephanopoulos. Second, I'm tired of having to explain how I changed from being a conservative Republican to an enlightened intellectual progressive Democrat. That chapter of my life is behind me & I need to move forward. I think changing my name like Puff Doodles the Clown did will re-define me and prove to be a smart move as I prepare to run for the Presidency in 2016 against Arnold.

The Huffington Post hasn't been as successful as we expected, and we believe that by re-branding it the "Stassinopoulos Sophist" we will attract more "Sophisticated" guest bloggers like Jim Lampley and a more enlightened audience from the "international community"."

- Cheney In Last Throes of Life

2005-06-26T16:22:00.000-04:00

When asked about the an exclusive report from Huffington's Post titled "Cheney Checks Into Vail Hospital" which was vetted by Jim Lampley, a spokeman for Vice President Dick Cheney said that, "he is in the last throes of his life."

When asked to verify the report and clarify the VPs medical condition , the spokesman said, "He never checked into a Hospital. There is really nothing to worry about. When we say "last throes" we mean he will probably live from one day to thirty years."

When asked for comment, President Bush said, "When he said that thing the other day, I thought he meant "last throws", like a relief pitcher warming up on the mound. I didn't really understand what Dick meant by that, but I didn't ask him about it because he gets cranky when I ask too many questions." END OF STORY!

- Is Tom Cruise a Cretin?

2005-06-24T20:12:00.000-04:00

I usually ignore celebrities but when they blatantly demonstrate their idiocy I can't help myself. Below are excerpts from a Matt Lauer interview with Tom Cruise today.

MATT LAUER: //aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?

TOM CRUISE: all it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

Minutes later in the same interview....

TOM CRUISE: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways of vitamins and through exercise and various things. I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what-- what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, anti-psychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world. // the thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She-- she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.

Here is a definition of Vitamin: Vitamins are organic chemicals that a given living organism requires in trace quantities for good health, but which the organism cannot synthesize, and therefore must obtain from its diet.

It appears Mr. Cruise believes that taking vitamins may help cure illnesses but, he does not believe there is such a thing as a chemical imbalance in the body. So, if there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance, how can there be any benefit to taking vitamins (i.e. organic chemicals)? Tom, please explain the biochemistry….

Based on what I have seen on the videotape, I diagnose Mr. Cruise with cretinism. As everyone knows, cretinism is a due to iodine deficiency and causes a chemical imbalance which results in goiter, hypothyroidism and mental retardation. People who have this condition are known as cretins or idiots.

But, if Tom Cruise takes vitamins how can he have an iodine deficiency? Of course, everyone knows that iodine is an essential mineral and not a vitamin!

"But there is a genuine sense in which the soul has its chemistry, and 'a deficiency of iodine will turn a clever man into an idiot.' "- Hocking, W. E., Self, Its Body and Freedom, pp. 58, 59."

Personally, I admit to overdosing on Vitamin V occasionally. But, that's a story for another time.

And what is Tom up to this week? Only the HUDNALL knows!

- Developers Use Eminent Domain to Acquire White House

2005-06-23T19:53:00.000-04:00

President Bush was stunned today when he was told by his Housing and Urban Development Director that he & Laura would have to vacate the White House no later than noon on Monday. The HUD Director said he made his best effort to stop the acquisition of the White House but did not have adequate legal staff to challenge the developer’s avalanche of lawsuits. Eventually, he was forced to give in to the Washington D. C. Council’s decision. He continued, “The White House is considered a private residence since it the President’s primary residence. So, according to the Supreme Court decision, it falls under the same eminent domain rules as all other residential property. I do not think this is what the SCOTUS intended but you know what they say about unintended consequences of government action. We tried to stop them by getting the White House put on the historical site register but somehow the approval got held up in a Senate Committee.”

The President initially became highly agitated because he thought the Vice President had forgotten to tell him that he had been impeached. But, his Chief of Staff, put the news in terms the President understood. Mr. President, “It’s like a bar closing. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here”. The President will operate from Crawford, Texas in the short term until new office space can be found. HUD Director Jackson said, “The President has directed us to look at West Virginia as a new Executive Branch location because he wants to build a baseball field just like the one in the movie Field of Dreams. We think West Virginia is a little remote but the President said, “If we build it, they will come”. It will probably work out just fine because it will substantially decrease our security costs. Also, we can acquire large blocks of cheap land directly adjacent to multi-lane super highways that don't go anywhere and have absolutely no traffic on them. Funny thing about West Virginia, everything seems to be named after Senator Byrd.”

A spokesman for Donald Trump said, “The White House property was acquired by China Global Development Corporation (CGDC) in a partnership with Trump Corporation. CGDC provided all the financing. Trump Corporation will provide the architecture and construction oversight for a new ultra-luxury high-rise condominium complex that will include a hotel and casino. The building will fit in with the classic Washington architecture but our tower will be the tallest in the District. It is expected to be built and fully occupied by wealthy lobbyists by the end of 2006 with the casino opening in early 2007. This will be a high profile project and will be managed by the next winner of the Apprentice TV show.” When asked about plans for the White House he said, “We considered preserving the White House but the land is too valuable so we are just going to knock it down and build a parking structure on that space."

When pressed for details on how the acquisition was made one day after the Supreme Court gutted the eminent domain law a Chinese spokesman from CGDC said, “We hired Jack Abramoff to put this deal together over a year ago. He knows everybody in Washington and knows how to grease the skids. Of course, we had a back-up plan in case the D.C. Council didn’t vote our way.” When asked about the back-up plan he said, “Jack worked out a deal with the Fuhgahwee Indian tribe and the Bureau of Indians Affairs to have the land reclassified as an “Indian Reservation”. Once it was reclassified as tribal land, we could build whatever we wanted, based on a 99 year lease Jack negotiated with the tribe.”

Councilman Marion Barry who is well known for his classic quotations said, “This project will generate a lot of new tax revenue for D.C. which means the D.C. Council will be extremely powerful because we will be have a lot more money to spend. This is just the first project that Jack has in the queue. Jack is in a little trouble right now. But, I am sure he will make a come back, just like I did. In this town power is about more than money & I don't know any other lobbyist that has trained Israeli snipers that owe him favors, if you know what I'm saying. Washington will be a much different place when Jack & I get done with it.”

- Senate Reaches Compromise on Gay Flag Burning Ban Amendment

2005-06-23T16:42:00.000-04:00

The Gang of 14 Senators that recently compromised to avoid the showdown on the “nuclear option” announced today that they had saved the country again by reaching a compromise that combines the best of both the gay marriage ban Amendment and the flag burning ban Amendment. They settled on an Amendment to the Constitution that will make it illegal for gay people to burn the flag.

A spokesman for the Gang of 14 said, “We are moving America forward with this compromise and showing the American people we can make progress on a bi-partisan basis. Let me clarify that last remark! I mean “bi-partisan” in the sense of two parties Republican and Democrat, not as in “bisexual partisans”. While I am on this topic I should mention that the Amendment does apply to bi-sexuals since they are gay some of the time. It will also apply to pre-op transsexuals but not post-op transsexuals who may have been homosexual at one time but have transitioned to an alternative gender orientation via surgery.” When the spokesman was questioned as to whether the amendment would apply to transvestites and bestialsexuals he said, “Transvestites will be arrested if they are caught burning the flag while cross-dressed. We tried to get the bestials covered under this Amendment but the shepherd's lobby used their influence to block their inclusion."

Gay activists were upset, saying, “Why don't these HeteroHitlers just leave us alone? There are more gays than Jews in this country, why don’t they ban Jews from burning the flag?" He added, "by the way, we have our own gay flag and they can’t stop us from burning it.”

Although pundits believe that this amendment may not be ratified by enough states to become law they believe it will be an interesting battle. One conservative pundit said, “We knew we didn’t have the votes to get the gay marriage Amendment passed but we did have the votes to stop flag burning if we could get it to the floor for a vote. We were prepared to use the nuclear option to get the Amendment passed but now the Gang of 14 has stepped in and screwed us again! As far as the placating the evangelicals on the gay marriage issue, many states have already changed their laws to ban gay marriage and don’t recognize gay marriages conducted in other states. 17 states have banned it so far and we expect 9 more will in the near future. And now that sodomy is legal, we at least have one new reason to arrest homosexuals so this is a positive for us”.

A democratic pundit said, “We see this compromise as a great victory. We stopped the gay marriage ban Amendment in its tracks. We know it’s what the majority of American’s wanted. We did have to give a little ground on the flag burning issue but it will only apply to about 5% of the population. We know we will take some heat from the gay mafia in the short term but they aren’t going to become Republicans and they aren’t going to move to Canada. Plus, they can’t reproduce so it’s not like we worry about losing control over a rapidly growing constituency like we do with the Hispanics. We will just treat the gays like the blacks and eventually, they will get over it.

An independent pundit said, “As you see again and again, Congress is just a bunch of self aggrandizing clowns. We know that many Americans whether Republican or Democrat have a Libertarian slant. They realize that burning a flag has been allowed in this country for over 200 years. Why do we need to change the rules now? They are sick when they see the crap that bitter old men and irrelevant wanna-be revolutionaries are spewing, but they realize that respecting free speech rights is a necessary evil in a free society. On the gay marriage issue, the vast majority of Americans are willing to allow gays to have civil unions with all the same legal rights that apply to married couples. They just get very tired of having the gay agenda constantly pushed in their face. The natural reaction is the backlash that you see with the 17 state bans on gay marriage. Most people just want the government to leave them alone!”

- California Joins New York in Fight for Sex Offender Viagra Rights

2005-06-23T11:10:00.000-04:00

Spokesman for San Francisco Mayor Gavin Nuisance said that he was pleased that the intense lobbying efforts of the "community" had paid off with the California Assembly adopting a program to provide free Viagra to convicted sex offenders.

Arnold the Governator said, “Viagra is legal and these people have paid their debt to society. There is no reason we shouldn't help them re-integrate into "normal" society. I took steroids when I was bodybuilding to achieve peak performance. Viagra is just another performance enhancing drug and has been important in increasing the productivity of the adult film industry in California.

New York was the first state to adopt a program of free Viagra for sex offenders and has actually had the program in place for over five years. A spokesman for NAMBLA in New York said, “This is a positive development for our cause but this is the just the first of many steps in breaking down the rampant “ageism” in our society. We look forward to the day when all men and boys are free to openly express their sexuality without fear of reprisal from bigots and homophobes.

Progressive supporters said that now that New York and California have implemented this program it is only a matter of time before all the states adopt it. A spokesman said, “We have a grass roots effort to enact this legislation in every state. We thought that we would get the law enacted in New Jersey in 2004 but we suffered a temporary set back when the Governor resigned.”

- The Crying Game

2005-06-22T11:26:00.000-04:00

Anonymous sources report that Senators Voinabitch and Turbin received special coaching from Beserkely linguistics professor Jorge Jackoff prior to their recent televised emotional performances on the Senate floor. Jackoff said that adding linguistic techniques to the Democratic arsenal would help counter-act "Luntzspeak" and defeat the right-wing radicals.

Jackoff said, "Over the last few weeks I have coached several prominent politicians on methods for attracting attention and garnering sympathy by precise use of whimpers, moans, choking-up and crying. For example, if you recall Voinabitch's recent performance on the Bolton nomination, I would say it was a little over the top for a Republican. When a Republican cries, he runs the risk of being exposed as a poser since audiences instinctively know that Republicans don't cry. But, I think throwing in the grandchildren reference rescued the performance. You notice that the crying got a totally forgettable speech extensive news coverage. That exposure really helped obstruct that nomination."

When asked about Turbin's recent apology Jackoff said, "I worked with Dick Ed a long time to get that performance just right. We issued a non-apology apology last Friday, so we would have more time to rehearse before issuing a "real" apology. As you can see by watching today's news, Turbin comes across as sincere and contrite. You notice he claims that he is a patriot and that he supports our troops. Even though it's totally disingenuous many people will buy it since he "choked up". A very nice touch I must say. See, this whole Turbin episode has greatly magnified the controversy over Gauntanamo and given the Democrats cover so they can demand another investigation." There are already DoD, FBI and Senate Intelligence committee investigations going on but they are all classified. We want to launch another "public" investigation so we can have more politicians wailing, blubbering and balling about prisoner abuse. Plus, we can leak documents, pictures and videos to keep our base stirred up and create doubt in the minds of the Republicans."

Jackoff explained more about his methodology. "It's actually a two pronged psychological operation that produces a double positive when we test it in focus groups. When Democrats hear someone whining or crying they lose all objectivity and side with whomever they identify as the victim regardless of the facts. They are easily swayed by any display of emotion. At the same time, these behaviors disarm Republicans and results in their failure to respond because deep in their subconscious they have been programmed never to hit a woman or kick a man when he's down. The unwarranted display of emotion elicits gender confusion and uncertainty in the Republicans' minds and freezes them in their tracks. It is a very effective tool for blunting Republican criticism.

Jackoff is also credited with engineering the rampant overuse of meaningless terms like "reaching out" and the massive increase in angry emotional outbursts by dems like Dean and Gore.

Jackoff said, "Luntz is a cunning linguist but some am I. As you can see by our recent performances, with this "Crying Game" we are taking this "War of the Words" to the next level."

- Cubans Break Into Guantanamo Bay

2005-06-21T14:48:00.000-04:00

According to sources, recently, an alarming number of Cubans have broken into the base at Guantanamo Bay. A junior military policeman spoke off the record saying, "Now I know what it is like to be on border patrol in Arizona. We just aren’t equipped to deal with all these folks flooding onto our base. This is a real crisis for us. In the past, we had a small patrol on the base perimeter and applied our manpower to providing top notch hotel, food, medical, legal and religious services to the prisoners already in the prison. But, since we now have dozens of people coming in through the fences daily, we have had to re-deploy troops in an effort to “repel BOARDERS”. Ha, Ha, Ha. Get it? But, there is no way we can police every foot of fence-line 7x24x365. So groups of Cubans just cut the fence, run through and start yelling “terrorista surrender”. The problem is that by international law, the base at Gitmo is considered to be US territory and if the Cubans claim they are Al Qaeda enemy combatants then we have to detain them, even if there is no evidence that they are actually enemy combatants. Believe it or not, when we interrogate these guys, they lie to us and tell us they are Al Qaeda.”

Diplomatic efforts to repatriate these Cubans have failed. Castro told the US ambassador, “If these men say they are Al Qaeda, then they must be Al Qaeda. You know that I want to cooperate with Bush’s war on terror and I do not want to be accused of harboring terrorists. We don’t have the proper facilities to interrogate these terrorists so we think it is best that you hold them forever. Or, if you imperialist pigs completely close that base and go home I will be happy to take the Cubans and all the other prisoners off your hands.”

A reporter who spoke with some of the Cuban detainees explained the situation from their perspective. She said, "Most of the people who are trying to break into the base have tried to escape from Cuba multiple times via boat or water-taxi. The success rate is about 10% with a 35% chance of death on each attempt. For every Cuban that makes it to the US there are nine more that drown or are caught and sent back to prison in Cuba. If you get thrown in Fidel’s prison conditions are very harsh. So, you see the risk of crossing the wire into Gitmo is small compared to crossing the ocean. The Cubans know that if they make it onto the base and get detained they will be treated well in the Gitmo prison and that there is a high probability they will eventually be moved to the US. Once in the US, they can make asylum claims and eventually they will end up being released onto the street. In the meantime, they can learn English, eat well and get free medical care. Plus, unlike in Cuban prison they will be allowed access to religious material. They also will get access to a lawyer to help them with their asylum and immigration paperwork. I know most Americans can’t understand why these folks make repeated attempts to escape Cuba when they live in a glorious, utopian, socialist, egalitarian society where everyone is equal and everyone is happy. But, these folks are hard core capitalists. They have sayings like, “live free or die” and “I would rather die on my feet, than live on my knees”. I really can't explain it.”

Most of them will head to California as soon as they are released since that is where they get the most lucrative welfare benefits. One of the detainees said, “Screw Fidel’s rice steamers. For less than one day of work in California I can afford to buy a great rice steamer at Wal-Mart! My plan is to work a job off the books for cash while I continue to draw welfare benefits. I’ll be making a lot more money and living better than I ever did in Cuba. I plan to save for awhile, get my green card and then start a business. Of course, I will move to another state before I start the business, I mean what small business can afford to pay the taxes in California? Plus, I don't want to be forced to hire transexuals and in California, that's the law. It’s a shame these fat, lazy Americans have no idea how good they have it. Is this a great country or what?"

- DEA Busts CIA Director's Mushroom Growing Operation

2005-06-21T10:32:00.001-04:00

The DEA has arrested Mrs. Porter Guss on suspicion of cultivating and distributing magic mushrooms. Mr. Porter Guss, Director of the CIA, is under investigation but has not been arrested.

In an unlikely scenario, DEA agent John Law uncovered the clues that broke the case by reading the interview of Porter Guss in latest Time magazine . Law said he supsected that Guss might be involved with drugs when Guss mentioned he had an "Excellent idea" where Osama Bin Laden was during the interview.

Law said, "To me, this was clearly an example of "Valley Speak" and a reference to Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. If you have ever seen those Bill & Ted movies you know those kids had to be on something. When he started to talk about "organic gardening" that confirmed my suspicions. In our world, "organic gardening" is almost always code for illegal medical marijuana growing operations. The combination of "Valley Talk" along with the "organic gardening" was enough evidence to open the investigation."

Based on this evidence, the DEA used the Patriot Act to get the the Guss's financial and telecommunications records and the Time interview tapes . They also tried to get records from a library near Guss's home but that lead to an embarassing incident where agents were chased out of the library by a librarian wielding a yard-stick. The agents said they retreated when the librarian yelled at them, "This is my yardstick. There are many like it but this one is mine."

Law said, "We got valuable evidence from the tapes & records. For example, at the end of the interview the reporter thanked Mr. Goss for the interview and in response Mr. Goss said, "Party on Dude". That repeated Valley Talk, along with this book purchase and evidence of visits to the Fred Fungus web site led us to believe that we had stumbled onto an operation that was growing both pot & shrooms."

Upon her arrest, Mrs. Guss said, "This is Bogus and most Heinous". She added, "When Porter left Congress he wanted to start a rockn'roll band and I wanted to have an organic garden. But, Porter couldn't play the guitar so when the CIA gig came along he decided to take it. I decided to stay here and take care of the garden while Porter commutes to Washington." Mr. Guss would not comment as to whether her husband was involved in or aware of the mushroom growing operation.

Commenting on the arrest of his wife, Mr. Guss said that he no knowledge of the mushroom growing operations and believes the whole thing was a frame up by disgruntled former CIA employees.

When asked about the Guss situation President Bush said, "Now that I think back on it, I thought it was a little strange that he always ended our intelligence briefings by saying "Party on, Mr. President".

- Army Reports Flood of Female Enlistees Fill Recruiting Gap

2005-06-20T18:12:00.000-04:00

Army sources, (vetted by Jim Lampley) reported that they will meet their recruiting goals for June & for all of 2005 based on the flood of female enlistees that have signed up since a new report on Saddam Hussein was published.

Here is an excerpt from the report of a conversation with one of Saddam's guards:

O'Shea said when he told him he was not married, Saddam "started telling me what to do.""He was like, `you gotta find a good woman. Not too smart, not too dumb. Not too old, not too young. One that can cook and clean.'" Then he smiled, made what O'Shea interpreted as a "spanking" gesture, laughed and went back to washing his clothes in the sink.

One of the new volunteers, who identified herself as a feminist explained why she joined. "As a group, feminists were mostly anti-war before this report, but that wise crack about cooking and cleaning really offended us. Now that we know Saddam and the Baathists are all male chauvinist pigs we are going to go kick some ass, BOOYAH."

An Army spokesman commenting on manpower issues said, "We had been looking at other options like sending US Postal workers to Iraq since they are already highly trained killers and are feared throughout the world. But, we had to scrap that plan cause we might end up with a large scale "Apocalypse Now" situation if they all went postal on us. We are very fortunate that this report on Saddam came out when it did and motivated the feminists to join up, otherwise we were going to have to start a draft."

The spokesman continued, "we have reactivated and promoted General Janice Karpinski to oversee the operation of these new "femi-ranger" batallions. Hey, If you thought she was tough on the prisoners at Abu Gharib just wait until we let her loose in Iraq."

Sources say, the Army is also implementing some all female special ops units which will be known as PMS squads. The spokesman said, "These squads will be burkha wearing guerilla units operating among the enemy. They will gather intelligence and also conduct search and destroy missions once a month when all unit members are especially cranky. Based on my personal experience at home with my wife, if I was a terrorist I would rather surrender than face one of these squads when all the woman are on cycle."

Commenting on the plans, Rummy said, "We believe with the addition of these forces and related transformational tactics we should be able to bring stability to Iraq in short order. But, who the hell knows. I mean there is no way you can know an unknowable, you know what I mean."

- Iraqi Torture Cell Planted by Karl Rove

2005-06-20T16:15:00.000-04:00

Sources (vetted by Jim Lampley) reported today that the Iraqi Torture Cell, recently discovered by Marines in Iraq was actually planted there by Karl Rove as a way to divert attention from Senator Turban's passionate comments about Gauntanamo Bay.

Turban said, "it appears that after my comments on Thursday, Rove transported some of the prisoners who were being tortured at Gitmo to Iraq and staged them in a house so they would be "discovered" by the Marines. This was a very sinister method of distracting the American people from the the real issue of Equal Rights for Terrorists. If I hadn't already told you that it was Rove, you would certainly think I was talking about Hitler. Of course, I support our troops, so it must have been those Haliburton contractors that did this which means Cheney's involved. We need to appoint a special investigator so we can find out where these orders came and we can impeach Bush."

Rep. Jon Conyurs said, "We know Rove stole two elections. We know that he leaked the name of a CIA operative to retaliate against ambassador Joe Wilson. And, we know that he was behind that fake but accurate memo that got Dan Rathernot fired. This latest incident has got his fingerprints all over it. Therefore, I will be convening more fake hearings to generate histeria among my left wing supporters and random conspiracy theorists who are joining our cause. I am the Chairman you know!"

Senator Dodo said he would also demand an investigation on the Iraq torture cell as he wanted to ensure that John Bolton wasn't part of this plot before he agreed to a cloture vote on his nomination.

Senator Clinton was not available for comment as she was busy filing divorce papers.

- Hillary to Divorce Bill, will marry Newt

2005-06-20T14:43:00.000-04:00

Sources (vetted by Jim Lampley) say that Hillary Clinton has finally filed for divorce from President Bill Clinton. Hillary said, "everyone knows our marriage has been a sham for the last 20 years. I have finally made the decision to distance myself from Bill just like Al Gore did. But, in my case, I am expecting the sympathy vote I will get from woman will more than offset any benefit of having Bill whoring around on the campaign trail and humiliating me for the next 3 years."

Commenting on her relationship with Newt Gingrich, Hillary said, "We are very much in love. It all happened very fast (when we were working on the electronic healthcare initiative), just like Tom & Katie."

A senior adviser for Hillary said, " Our polls show that voters are more likely to vote for a married woman than a single woman. And now that Hillary has become religious, we think she needs to be married to appeal to the evangelicals. I don't know if you have heard that Condi is a lesbian, but be assured that Hillary fully supports her right to determine her own lifestyle. We also think we will get some Republican support from southern state voters that think Newt will have a strong influence on Hillary when he becomes the "First Gentlemen". Who knows, we may even let "GingGrinch" (that's one of Hillary's nicknames for him) run healthcare reform."

Lawyers for Bill Clinton said, "The President may get taken to the cleaners in the divorce settlement because there is incontrovertible evidence that he's an insatiable poonhound. But, he has other untapped sources of income that will make up for any short term decline in his lifestyle. He's plans to move to Hollywood (San Fernando Valley actually) and get into the adult entertainment business. In fact , we are currently negotiating a three movie deal where he will star with Mary Cary and other politically oriented actresses. It's a sure winner. I mean who wouldn't pay to see the former President get teabagged while he's tossing Mary's salad?"

- Bush calls Clinton "Son" of a Bitch

2005-06-19T18:10:00.000-04:00

Recently, on the Late Show, Bill Clinton reported that Barbara Bush had called him "son". As it turns out though, Mrs. Bush actually said Mr. Clinton was a "Son of a Bitch". In response to questions about the incident Mrs. Bush said, "Slick Willy, misrepresented what I said. He knows that I think he's a no good, disassembling, philandering, son of a bitch. That will never change even if he kisses George's ass. Do you want to know what I think of Hillary?" Mrs. Bush also explained that, "disassembling means lying"..... END OF STORY!

Howard Dean to be replaced as head of DNC

2005-06-08T13:44:00.000-04:00

According to a leaked memo stolen from the Democratic National Headquarters during a recent break in, there is a conspiracy brewing within the DNC to replace Howard Dean.

Political strategist Mick Dorris was consulted and he determined that if Howard Dean could be replaced with another person named "Dean", the DNC would suffer the smallest decline in fund raising and the least amount of public humiliation. He also observed that it would allow Democratic politicians to spend their time attacking Republicans rather than apologizing and distancing themselves from their own Party Chairman.

John Dean, Richard Dean Anderson, Dean Cain, Dean Witter, Dean Martin, Dean & Deluca, Dean Stockwell, Dean Ornish, Jan & Dean and James Dean were all given serious consideration by the DNC.

In the end, they settled on Jimmy Dean. The memo said, "Jimmy is perfect for this job because he is alive and available. Although Sara Lee dumped him, we believe he still has strong name recognition with our target audience."

The DNC plans to keep Jimmy Dean on an extended tour of the southern states through 2006. The memo said, "We need someone who can appeal to the dishonest, brain-dead, lazy, white, Christians because we need the South to win in 2008".

Sources also said that an alliance of DNC contacts from the music industry are working on some new banjo based "hick-hop" music and plan to pair Cowboy Troy with Jimmy Dean at many black church venues throughout the south in order to garner the black redneck vote.

Meanwhile, Republican operatives are deciding whether to derail the plan as they believe Howard Dean has been extremely beneficial in keeping their base energized. Sources said, "Howard Dean has been a godsend for us. People hate him almost as much as Hillary".